Monstaville Book III. Chapter 7

7

“Let us pray for a mind so poised and balanced that we give poise and strength to others.”

- White Eagle.

Regarding the abusers of power in this world, the logical solution is to use every force available to obliterate them, but that’s my male side talking, my will and my head! The love and wisdom that are felt in the feminine heart whisper that the oneness of life is sacred because we all belong to one Godhead; we are all One. When we feel more, we love more. I don’t mean emotional responses in the belly that result from superficial needs and dependency, but - you know? - this the still waters running deep, the wisdom of the heart. It looks like a dark abyss from afar, when centred in one’s own individual will and identity has a human being, as a man. Yet, it is no different from a clear, tranquil, shimmering lake which, to me, is about the most beautiful thing that exists in nature.

At first, you wince as, bit by bit, your legs experience the freezing temperature and your bollocks bark and growl in anger and fear, fight or flight (‘You bastard, what do you think you’re doing?...No, no way, stop you crazy son-of-a-bitch! Let’s get out of here...nooo...!). Yet, it is not long before your body grows accustomed to the temperature and the water feels comfortable and relaxing. Even your bollocks - if they could talk - take it all back: ‘This is Heaven! We really must do this more often!’ Boom boom! (No idea why I seem to think that if testicles could talk they could have a voice like Basil Brush).

So, you swim, or play, float, make-love, whatever, and it all feels beautiful and makes you smile. You feel at peace. The sun is shining overhead and your body feels just right. Stillness and movement flow together naturally. This is the effect that the feminine - infinite consciousness - should have on us. It is both something that exists, with its own properties, and what we make it. We behave differently on land, we men in particular, with our conscious but limited egos. In the lake, there is only so much action you can engage in. The only thing to do is feel...relax. It is a peaceful place where will and identity can exist but not in isolation and where they are less likely to dominate, to exclude consciousness itself from the arena of human experience. For, it is the experience (illusion) of physical separateness that concentrates man’s energy and creates a false identity and that wants what it wants NOW and is blind to the needs and feelings of others.

The inner silence defies the head, like the Oracle defies the Architect in The Matrix trilogy. The old order is mechanical, limited, fixed. Anything beyond its reasoned constructs and the principles which comprise its identity are unacceptable. They are a threat that must be dealt with not accommodated. Zion must be annihilated. It’s logical! Well, I’m not saying that, but I am saying that the worst elements in humanity, the ones who exist to cause chaos...You know, I don’t know what to do about them! That’s why we have prisons. Society doesn’t know what to do with them either. 

Raw power, launched in anger because things aren’t the way we want, or expect, them to be serves no one, least of all ourselves. Reason and compassion, an open mind and an open heart, must be the wings with which the mind is elevated and flies alongside the angels. As long as the separate ego stands in our way, eclipsing the heart, obstructing the flow of love, cutting us off from the whole, the voice of ‘reason’ will remain confined to the logic that is relevant only within a certain framework. The will is then decisive but wisdom is left far behind. Feeling: feeling should permeate every moment of our lives just as we ought to be conscious of what we feel and who we are (‘You teach best what you most need to learn,’ as Richard Bach notes in Illusions).

Monsters at the gate…We men tend to identify with and centre ourselves in what comes up from within us. So if monsters come up we think we must be monsters and feel bad about ourselves or change direction either to ill-effect upon ourselves or others. The male body concentrates energy/will/power so we're gonners unless we can open our hearts and release the love of the divine within us. And that comes through wisdom and practice of course. Like a new muscle we're exercising. Man’s body has a shape that reflects his single-mindedness. His concentrated energy summons will which, of course, has its place, but the ensuing power requires a level of inner strength and self-discipline most do not develop. Years of pain and toil may lead a man to the lake of wisdom and love and then it’s time to go home. Woman’s more curvaceous body reflects her multi-dimensionality, that of consciousness itself as it flows in cycles and response; in fact, like the current of the sea, which builds up momentum and finally crashes on the shore and then withdraws to start the process all over again. Energy circulates through the feeling of wholeness but much is wasted and dissipated without a central focus, a concrete, conscious sense of identity. There can be power then only by developing one’s will (I am generalising; of course some women are more strong-willed than men but it is usually not in isolation as the male ego tends to be), or by bonding with other women.

There are two types of ego. Both are negative but, within that paradigm are the positive (active) extrovert/bully and the negative (passive) introvert/victim. They represent extremes resulting from conditioning in which people become stuck. To become more balanced, the extrovert needs to relax and open up to become more sensitive and caring while the introvert needs to draw on his or her inner power somehow and become more assertive and confident. Anaïs Nin once wrote, “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” Seen from the perspective of process (feminine), it is so obvious that the fixed, self-centred, competitive ego is an ignorant state to hold on to. Viewed from the perspective of purpose (masculine), it appears equally obvious that just being open to life and people, passively responding and caring for others is pointless. Human beings have at least some potential to express (so they are either winners or losers in a competitive or tyrannical male-dominated society), however limited. What else is there? When we are attuned to our feelings, we know that they flow continuously, and, in the depths of the soul, we also know that, on this level, we are all one, neither being nor becoming, just sharing the body of water in the lake, as it were. It is when the masculine and feminine, the head and heart, are balanced that we realise life is a perpetual process of becoming. But, one cannot continue to become more unless one has a conscious identity to deepen and expand. It is a great cosmic joke. We need both aspects, being and consciousness, yet, taken separately, we are doomed. Either we will be passive victims or selfish despots. Either we will be stuck in a tight, fixed, knot of egocentricity or all the strands will fall apart and leave us with nothing to show for our trials in life.

Firmness and flexibility, say the Daoists, firm in your core as an individual expression of God, with your unique vibration of consciousness, and gentle and yielding, relaxed and accommodating, towards other people and towards all conditions with which life presents you. Because that is all oneness and it is the oneness of the river that slowly shapes the rock, removing its hard edges. Gradually, the rock’s shape no longer resists the flow of water or looks out of place. The individual spark of consciousness adopts a softer shape, a kinder attitude. Its surface becomes smoother and it achieves a state of complete harmony with the incessant flow of water. It looks more comfortable and it feels at home in the river. The water could never change because it has no real substance. That which has substance must evolve until it is perfected, until it is perfectly aligned with nature. We may hate to change, to suffer and grow, but the universe, in its wisdom, has provided tools to shape us so that we may deepen our self-awareness instead of sticking out like protruding monoliths that exist for their own sake in the illusory dimension of separateness. We must remain both centred and open, know ourselves, but be prepared to change, at least in certain areas, certain blind spots which we have yet to explore and understand more consciously. We must know ourselves, not as fixed entities in a physical and material context, but as magical beings with limitless potential, endless possibilities, in fact.

"It's hard for many people to believe that there are extraordinary things inside themselves, as well as others." - Unbreakable (directed by M. Night Shyamalan, 2000).

When we feel at home in the collective universe, when we do not feel the temptation to resist anything, when we are confident in our own inner, conscious will and identity, the water passes all around us and we feel it and welcome it. It does not crash against stubborn walls of resistance or spin off at wild angles from sharp edges. The rock remains. In fact, it knows itself more deeply because it is not forever fighting against the outside world, being agitated or trying to get its own way. It does not confine its conscious awareness to its superficial, external identity alone. It does not identify with those worldly parts of itself which, however powerful and tough they may appear, represent, in fact, the transient exterior that is first in the firing line. While we have been granted free will in order to grow individually through the power of choice, we cannot stop the flow of experience which bombards those hard edges. Become more rounded we must. Hmmmmm. (My best Yoda impression).

Unfortunately, being surrounded by the water of collective consciousness in this world, we do not always receive the warm rays of the Sun. Indeed, the water is often so overcast that we would rather be more active in order to generate heat and keep ourselves warm and stimulated in a physical way than step into the cold pool of water that threatens to extinguish our joy and enthusiasm, even our will to live. Then, there are those who are addicted to stress and displays of aggression and power. And, yet, how are we ever going to create a world in which everyone is surrounded by love? Heaven on Earth can manifest only when we, as individuals, open out hearts fully and allow universal love to shine forth in all its abundant glory.

This is what I’ve learned over the past ten years, both to become and be more powerful as an individual, using the power of intention, and to understand that whatever others do is just their personal experience, just part of the collective river of life. It does not affect my core but teaches me to understand that, whatever others do is just their personal experience, just part of the collective river of life. It does not affect my core but teaches me to be more compassionate.

“Resist what resists in you. Become yourself.” - The Mahabarata.

While I have never really hated anybody, I can see how closing off my heart to certain types of people helps to sustain the illusion of separation. Internal division breeds external conflict. It might be necessary to take action and express power but, always, it should be done with love and, preferably, humour. It is important not to resist life or what it throws at us, but to surrender the ego and view things from a higher perspective as well as to find the right tools for dealing with the situation most effectively and harmoniously. As Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through hell, keep going” (or, as Robert Frost suggested, "The best way out is always through"). Pay off your karmic debts and learn the lessons they bring. It certainly looks like I am learning to love all equally.

“Look upon all difficulty as a way to exert your will-power.” - Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov.

Ultimately, we need to ensure that the power and will of God - the Self - is expressed, not that of the ego, the self. Why? Because the latter stunts our growth and chains us to the Wheel of Karma and therefore misery, even if we temporarily silence our fear and insecurities (in the ‘now’), and the former leads us ever onwards and upwards to greater realisations of creative power and, beyond the domain of matter, ever-increasing levels of love and happiness. Under hypnosis, I witnessed myself as a soul in my mother’s womb preparing to be born. I was honestly shocked by the feeling of peaceful, even keen, anticipation at the prospect of undergoing my imminent ordeal which would last for years and affect me for the whole of my life. It was there in front of my mind’s eye, as clear as daylight, with a kind of me-ish form, a pure image of what my soul might look like if it had form. The feeling was beautiful and unmistakably real, but it was hard to believe or accept. It was incredible, fascinating! It taught me a lot about how blind we are to what is going on beneath the surface, underneath all the conditioning accumulated through experience.

For all my incessant desire to escape from all this madness, really it is nothing more than the stirring of mud on the river bed, an opportunity to experience the latent negativity within the unconscious so that it can be cleared with conscious light. The water itself remains pure for, when the turbulence finally comes to an end and the dirt settles back again, the water is as clear and pristine as ever. It is in contrast to the disturbances of the temporal world and their effect on our personal consciousness that we reflect the Sun’s radiant majesty more richly and awaken to our original nature as the Sun, the Self, beaming brightly at the heart of universal consciousness. Thus, each time we incarnate, we gather more gold even though we may not be aware of how much we have accumulated in the spiritual bank. Then, when we depart, yet again, we get to enjoy all that Light. No wonder, then, that the soul loves coming to this chaotic world!

“Take a breath and understand the maturity that is required for the next step. You are given choices and understanding to listen and believe and be greater than you are now. Let your heart begin to open in compassion for what is to become of a world that is lost to many and found by others. Let yourself see into your eyes and know that you are coming forth as a Wayshower and one who can speak the truth and become the truth, become a planetary teacher, a teacher of Light. There are moments in each life when you are given an opportunity to make a choice. This is such a time and you have already made this choice to move into the Light, to move into the higher Light and to hear the sound of the celestial spheres, the sound of harmonics and resonance that echo throughout your mind and into the other dimensions. You are being brought into a higher place of knowing. You are seeing things and knowing things and understanding that you are much more than you ever thought you were. Many experience the psychic experiences of feeling and being in other places and other times, of knowing different people and feeling the coincidences that allow you to breathe through veil after veil after veil.” (YouTube video, September 2008: The GoldRing. Game of Enlightenment and Abundance. ‘Shining Ones of the Enlightenment’).

The Vermont Trip Red Scale Film by omnialx on Flickr

The Fire From Within by Carlos Castaneda (Simon & Schuster, New York, U.S., 1984).

     * Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it - what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellow men. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.

                Every effort should be made to eradicate self-importance from the lives of warriors. Without self-importance we are invulnerable.

    * I've explained to you that the new seers aim to be free. And freedom has the most devastating implications. Among them is the implication that warriors must purposely seek change. Your predilection is to live the way you do. You stimulate your reason by running through your inventory and pitting it against your friends' inventories. Those manoeuvres leave you very little time to examine yourself and your fate. You will have to give up all that.

    * Seers are divided into two categories. Those who are willing to exercise self-restraint and can channel their activities toward pragmatic goals, which would benefit other seers and man in general, and those who don't care about self-restraint or about any pragmatic goals. The latter have failed to resolve the problem of self-importance.

                Self-importance is not something simple and naive. On the one hand, it is the core of everything that is good in us, and on the other hand, the core of everything that is rotten. To get rid of the self-importance that is rotten requires a masterpiece of strategy.

    * In order to follow the path of knowledge one has to be very imaginative. In the path of knowledge nothing is as clear as we'd like it to be. Warriors fight self-importance as a matter of strategy, not principle.

                Impeccability is nothing else but the proper use of energy. My statements have no inkling of morality. I've saved energy and that makes me impeccable. To understand this, you have to save enough energy yourself.

                Warriors take strategic inventories. They list everything they do. Then they decide which of those things can be changed in order to allow themselves a respite, in terms of expending their energy.

                The strategic inventory covers only behavioural patterns that are not essential to our survival and well-being.

                In the strategic inventories of warriors, self-importance figures as the activity that consumes the greatest amount of energy, hence, their effort to eradicate it.

                One of the first concerns of warriors is to free that energy in order to face the unknown with it. The action of rechannelling that energy is impeccability.

                The most effective strategy for rechannelling that energy consists of six elements that interplay with one another. Five of them are called the attributes of warriorship: control, discipline, forbearance, timing, and will. They pertain to the world of the warrior who is fighting to lose self-importance. The sixth element, which is perhaps the most important of all, pertains to the outside world and is called the petty tyrant.

                A petty tyrant is a tormentor. Someone who either holds the power of life and death over warriors or simply annoys them to distraction.

                Petty tyrants teach us detachment. The ingredients of the new seers' strategy shows how efficient and clever is the device of using a petty tyrant. The strategy not only gets rid of self-importance; it also prepares warriors for the final realisation that impeccability is the only thing that counts in the path of knowledge.

                Usually, only four attributes are played. The fifth, will, is always saved for an ultimate confrontation, when warriors are facing the firing squad, so to speak.

                Will belongs to another sphere, the unknown. The other four belong to the known, exactly where the petty tyrants are lodged. In fact, what turns human beings into petty tyrants is precisely the obsessive manipulation of the known.

                The interplay of all the five attributes of warriorship is done only by seers who are also impeccable warriors and have mastery over will. Such an interplay is a supreme manoeuvre that cannot be performed on the daily human stage.

                Four attributes are all that is needed to deal with the worst of petty tyrants, provided, of course, that a petty tyrant has been found. The petty tyrant is the outside element, the one we cannot control and the element that is perhaps the most important of them all. The warrior who stumbles on a petty tyrant is a lucky one. You're fortunate if you come upon one in your path, because if you don't you have to go out and look for one.

                If seers can hold their own in facing petty tyrants, they can certainly face the unknown with impunity, and then they can even stand the presence of the unknowable.

                Nothing can temper the spirit of a warrior as much as the challenge of dealing with impossible people in positions of power. Only under those conditions can warriors acquire the sobriety and serenity to stand the pressure of the unknowable.

                The perfect ingredient for the making of a superb seer is a petty tyrant with unlimited prerogatives. Seers have to go to extremes to find a worthy one. Most of the time they have to be satisfied with very small fry. Then warriors develop a strategy using the four attributes of warriorship: control, discipline, forbearance, and timing.

                On the path of knowledge there are four steps. The first step is the decision to become apprentices. After the apprentices change their views about themselves and the world they take the second step and become warriors, which is to say, beings capable of the utmost discipline and control over themselves. The third step, after acquiring forbearance and timing, is to become men of knowledge. When men of knowledge learn to see they have taken the fourth step and have become seers.

                Control and discipline refer to an inner state. A warrior is self-oriented, not in a selfish way but in the sense of a total examination of the self.

                Forbearance and timing are not quite an inner state. They are in the domain of the man of knowledge.

                The idea of using a petty tyrant is not only for perfecting the warrior's spirit, but also for enjoyment and happiness. Even the worst tyrants can bring delight, provided, of course, that one is a warrior.

                The mistake average men make in confronting petty tyrants is not to have a strategy to fall back on; the fatal flaw is that average men take themselves too seriously; their actions and feelings, as well as those of the petty tyrants, are all-important. Warriors, on the other hand, not only have a well-thought-out strategy, but are free from self-importance. What restrains their self-importance is that they have understood that reality is an interpretation we make.

                Petty tyrants take themselves with deadly seriousness while warriors do not. What usually exhausts us is the wear and tear on our self-importance. Any man who has an iota of pride is ripped apart by being made to feel worthless.

                To tune the spirit when someone is trampling on you is called control. Instead of feeling sorry for himself a warrior immediately goes to work mapping the petty tyrant's strong points, his weaknesses, his quirks of behaviour.

                To gather all this information while they are beating you up is called discipline. A perfect petty tyrant has no redeeming feature.

                Forbearance is to wait patiently - no rush, no anxiety - a simple, joyful holding back of what is due.

                A warrior knows that he is waiting and what he is waiting for. Right there is the great joy of warriorship.

                Timing is the quality that governs the release of all that is held back. Control, discipline, and forbearance are like a dam behind which everything is pooled. Timing is the gate in the dam.

                Forbearance means holding back with the spirit something that the warrior knows is rightfully due. It doesn't mean that a warrior goes around plotting to do anybody mischief, or planning to settle past scores. Forbearance is something independent. As long as the warrior has control, discipline, and timing, forbearance assures giving whatever is due to whoever deserves it.

                To be defeated by a small-fry petty tyrant is not deadly, but devastating. Warriors who succumb to a small-fry petty tyrant are obliterated by their own sense of failure and unworthiness.

                Anyone who joins the petty tyrant is defeated. To act in anger, without control and discipline, to have no forbearance, is to be defeated.

                After warriors are defeated they either regroup themselves or they abandon the quest for knowledge and join the ranks of the petty tyrants for life.

    * One of the greatest forces in the lives of warriors is fear, it spurs them to learn.

    * Pull yourself together and don't fight your fear, roll with it. Be afraid without being terrified. Put all your concentration on the midpoint of your body - a true centre of energy in all of us. Fear does not exist as soon as the glow of awareness moves beyond a certain threshold inside man's cocoon.

    * Any warrior can be successful with people provided that he moves his assemblage point to a position where it is immaterial whether people like him, dislike him, or ignore him.

    * The two basic qualities of warriors are sustained effort and unbending intent.

                (Excerpts from www.prismagems.com/castaneda/donjuan7.html).

"The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or as a curse." - don Juan (The Wheel of Time: The Shamans of Ancient Mexico, Their Thoughts About Life, Death and the Universe by Carlos Castaneda, Washington Square Press, New York, U.S., 1998).

“To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives. Nobody is born a warrior, in exactly the same way that nobody is born an average man. We make ourselves into one or the other.” - Carlos Castaneda (The Wheel of Time, Simon and Schuster, New York, U.S., 2001).

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Wait my lord, do not despair. For I have a cunning plan.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Can I say I'm not optimistic Baldrick?
Baldrick: To be quite frank my lord, neither am I. My family have never been very good at plans.
Blackadder: So. With suitably low expectations, what is your plan to get us home?

- Blackadder Goes Forth (Series 4, written by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton, BBC TV, 1989).

Monstaville Book III. Chapter 6

6

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

- Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971).

Robert Elias Najemy on dealing with an intimidator - taking our power back from people who play such roles (from a talk, www.holisticharmony.com).

Regarding an intimidator or accuser, he says, ‘Don’t play their game.’

“The other thing I need to remember when I have an intimidator in front of me is that he is unhappy and that he is fearful that his needs are not going to be fulfilled. And that is why he is threatening me. He has resorted to threatening because he’s afraid that he’s not going to get what he needs. What does he need? He needs affirmation; he needs control, he needs some services from us. What does he need? He needs something and he’s afraid he’s not going to get it and so he starts shouting...

                If I can remember these two things: this person is afraid, this person is unhappy. And whatever he says, I hear only, ‘Look at how unhappy I am.’ When I remember this and when I can remember, ‘I am not in danger,’ then I can face this person in a relaxed and loving way...asking him some questions, helping him and communicate what I’m feeling as an adult.”

Robert Elias Najemy, ‘Creating Our Reality, No.2. How we attract our reality’ (from a talk, www.holisticharmony.com).

“If I have to learn to love without conditions - unconditionally - they will necessarily have negative people around me to learn without conditions. I mean, I cannot learn love without conditions if I don’t have around me people who have conditions which I have difficulty loving.

                Where I have come into this life to learn self-acceptance, it is very natural to me to have people around me who reject me because only then can my self-acceptance depend on my own image of myself and not on what other people think of me. If I have people around me who all love and accept and praise me then my self-acceptance will be dependent on that stimulus.

                If I have come into this life to learn self-dependence then it’s only natural that I won’t be able to find anyone on whom to depend. And then I will be forced to depend on myself.

                ...the question is, ‘What do I need to learn here so as to be happy, healthy, harmonious. These are the feedback messages...which tell us that we’re on the path. When we feel unhappy, when we have negative emotions, it means that, at this point, I am living in illusion; I’m living in ignorance. I’m not recognising the truth. And this event comes to me to force me to recognise the truth of my real nature, the truth of my divine, inner nature, which is always worthy and always secure.

                We feel unhappy when we doubt that worthiness and when we doubt that security. And we seek to find external stimuli to verify that self-worth and to verify that sense of inner security. So, life gives us, continually, that opportunity to internalise our sense of self-worth and our sense of security either through our relationship with our own inner self, or our Higher Self, or our relationship with God, as each person visualises, and feels, that.

                So, the question is, ‘What do I have to learn here? Now, there are some general categories. One category of lesson is to learn to accept what is happening and not fear it and realise that there is no problem. So, one lesson is that what I thought was the problem is not a problem. What I thought was endangering my self-worth and my security and my happiness is not actually endangering those. That’s one category of lesson.

                Another category of lesson is to change what is happening, to find the strength to change myself or to change my environment in an active way. The lesson is not always to accept. Sometimes a lesson is to fight, to confront, but always with love, and always with acceptance for ourselves and for the other person, to become more assertive, perhaps...more sure of ourselves, more self-confident in what we’re seeking to create in our lives. And the third possibility is a combination of both.

                And that brings us to St. Francis’ prayer [1], which is very well-known: ‘Lord, give me the ability to accept what I cannot change, the strength to change that which I can change and the discrimination to know the difference (between the two)...In each case, however, there will necessarily be a transformation of beliefs. We will have to change certain beliefs in order to be able to accept what was, until this moment, unacceptable.

                We’ll have to change certain beliefs in order to find the power to change that which, until this point, we have been unable to change and to create. So, in each case, we need to find the beliefs which I need to change in order to learn the lesson. So, first, we determine what the lesson is...So, in each case we have to go back to the beliefs...ask, ‘What is my lesson here? What is life trying to teach me through this situation?’”

Perhaps the violent man upstairs, the ignorant family next door and the selfish woman upstairs (and the architect’s wife) represent the three types of people I most despise, or am least likely to get on with, and for whom I have the most trouble feeling love.

I confess that I have always had a definite boundary where other people’s behaviour is concerned. Until my late twenties, I was very easygoing and tolerant in most circumstances and it was a very rare event when someone - always a man, in fact - was so aggressive as to cross that line, to push me to the point where I would react in anger. Indeed, I ought to point out that I have Venus rising, which is very gentle and artistic, and that my hidden Mars, my male will to action surfaced as a more conscious part of my personality when three astrological shifts occurred simultaneously: my natal Sun progressed to the Moon (in Conjunction), poised at Capricorn’s entrance, my progressed Ascendant entered Aries and my natal Mars reached my natal Ascendant also by progression. Discovering tai chi during that time through my Aries girlfriend provided me with an opportunity to ground and centre myself through increased vitality. Thus, I am always living on borrowed time and depend on tai chi and meditation on a daily basis to keep life and soul together, spiritual disciplines that I would not otherwise be bothered to practice perhaps. I also underwent a form of hypnotherapy which focussed on going back to birth and witnessing any experiences that came up in each year of life henceforth, then exhaling anything negative that emerged as a consequence. I went through this process twice.  Several interesting things occurred but I mention this because one vision I had was myself as a red and green bird in a cage. The door of the cage had been opened and I was looking out realising that I was now free to fly out if I wanted to and, yet, neither really knowing what to make of the situation not knowing how to, like I was just paralysed, not necessarily by fear, but through psychological conditioning. Habits die hard, perhaps. My soul has since been coaxed out on many occasions only to resist the challenge ultimately. It just feels like this sweet and oversensitive alien creature that finds the (capitalist) world too unbearable, too alienating, or just impossible, to deal with, too cold and hostile, and too dull and boring! We’re not on the same wavelength. So, the cage remains home for the time being; it seems more comfortable and interesting (and the bird is as colourful and exotic as ever!). Besides, everything here in ‘rip-off London’ costs money and my road of interests and opportunities is now more of a country lane.

I have karmic Saturn in perhaps the worse place imaginable, in Pisces and in the First House, and Squaring (an angle of 90 degrees) my Sun which sits majestically high on the Midheaven (directly overhead when I was born) in sagacious Sagittarius. Thus, it can be seen that the will and powerful energies I have customarily used to get on in the world in previous incarnations were stripped from me through my traumatic childhood. I was always too vulnerable and ineffectual out in the world. Indeed, I have barely survived but I have developed inner strength to some degree. It has been a process of ego purification (and purification of my heart), a great test to ensure that my ego could never take the helm. It is there but, feeling so deeply, a painfully humbling experience and, struggling as I do, power is filtered through compassion. Yet, I can feel two distinct sides of myself, the shy mouse and the fiery tiger. The task is to integrate and balance them. The tiger was not always there in this lifetime! It can never be expressed exclusively but I do know how ruthless it could be if given a chance, if it were to pounce without restraint. That will never happen because it is simply one potential within me and my personality is too gentle and self-disciplined now to allow it. My ‘feminine side’ has been established and it both fascinates me and is something I know I need to develop further. I feel very masculine within myself, at my core but not from this lifetime. It is what was there originally, before I was born, poured into my glass of consciousness like fruit juice into water, with nothing new added.

One particular incident awakened all my childhood anger and brought my reactionary ego to the surface. A close friend was going through changes and it seemed to affect me even though I didn’t know it at the time and simply ignored the negative vibes. I have only vague memories of this period. One thing I remembered was what I thought was a wind-up. This, I have since learned, was not ill-intentioned, but a private joke that had not been shared with me and therefore caused slight irritation from time to time. I now realise that I remembered this only because it occurred so frequently and therefore rose to prominence in my memory as myths do. Anyway, whatever tension was slowly brewing was allowed to fester when it would have been wiser to release it at the time and discuss things although, often, we only acknowledge tension when it has put on enough weight to appear more tangible to us. This episode did, however, culminate in a concentrated bout of teasing one day that riled me to my bones, it seems! I listened quietly in disbelief, gentle and self-controlled as always, doing my best to ignore any feelings of resentment. The unconscious anger in me then finally erupted. We were sitting opposite each other at a small table and I suddenly saw and felt myself strangling him! I could feel the intent blindly pulling me. My whole body wanted to attack him. I literally had to hold tightly onto the table to stop myself flying at him and, I don’t know, perhaps even killing the guy! At the same time, I visualised this pane of diagonal green and white-striped light descending slowly and calmly in my mind’s eye and the experience of pure rage faded fairly quickly. The physical barrier of the table bided me some time. I would have had to go round it. I no longer cared about the deliberate attempt to hurt me through the prolonged assault on my emotions but was just thankful that I had not unleashed that violence physically. This friend was the main catalyst that released my suppressed anger although there were other incidents and factors involved too, needling and nudging me to this point, I expect, where my friend had the opportunity to push me over the edge! It was the defining moment of bringing latent power and aggression to the surface, into my body. It was meant to be, like a late adolescence in which the energy of Mars entered my conscious identity, or ego. The ‘wanting-them-dead-past-life’ thing was resurrected when my will was activated in this lifetime. I have been releasing and transforming it slowly through understanding over the past decade [Retrospective note: And then quickly during 2009 with the help of St. Germain!].

Samurai ca. 1860-1880

“The pure warrior energy exists in order that clear boundaries may be defined and protected, particularly at a psychic level. The prime object of the true warrior is not to go out and attack for the sake of attacking, not to create a battlefield full of carnage, not to dissipate the life force of the peoples, but to maintain an agreed integrity. If this integrity comes under heavy threat then the warrior may have to use skill to prevent the menace from intruding. With alertness such incidents are contained with minimum bloodshed. They are perceived before they escalate. The skill of warriorship is spiritual and watchful, subtle and psychic as well as physical and direct. The warrior’s aim is to protect standards and to nurture the people. The true warrior practices regularly the natural skills of defence, but knows that the happiest place for the sharpened sword is in its sheath. Attention to detail will prevent the sword’s being unsheathed except for practice and honouring.” – Gildas (A Message of Love by Ruth White with Gildas, Piatkas, London, U.K., 1994, p.68).

This friend was going through some serious inner changes that then seemed to sabotage his external life. He was like a dark cloud for a while and I evidently did not acknowledge the effect this had on me. I remember feeling a little angry or upset a few times in response to some of the things he said but, again, shrugged it off and did not feel that it should bother me. He seemed to be rebelling against everything, turn his back on it. Perhaps the pressure got to him or perhaps it was simply time for a complete change and a fresh start, which is certainly what happened. I have observed that sometimes it just seems necessary for connections to be terminated in conclusive ways that leave no route back, for however long, whether permanently or not. And that, of necessity, must have a certain ugly character to it. Kind of like a cute little Scottish terrier turning round and shoving its hairy bottom in one's face! Well, he WAS cute a minute ago! Look at his tartan ribbon. After that, it was my turn to wrestle with life. Moving to London was disastrous and all of my unconscious anger with life and my higher self was unleashed which also meant that this equally sensitive friend felt I was being mean to him on the rare occasions that we met afterwards so we lost contact in the end. From my point of view, however, the anger was just causing me to confront issues and acknowledge the conflict between us. The rift could not be healed on my part as long as the truth of its existence was swept under the carpet, not that I knew that consciously at the time! Yet, my friend did not understand what he had done to provoke such fury and criticism. In fact, I didn’t even know he believed I was still angry with him since I thought our last exchanges were harmonious. But, I guess he was guarded and, because I was changing, saw a different person, a more expressive and confrontational person but not necessarily one that was displaying antagonism towards him. It must just have looked that way to him.

If someone has been very warm and kind, and we have grown close to them, it is difficult to acknowledge that their behaviour has changed dramatically. They have used the foundation of familiarity and security to inflict harm on us to unleash their demons on us and give expression to their ego, or ‘pain-body,’ or whatever ails them within. They may not have intended to hurt us in the beginning but when all parties and relaxed and disarmed, the temptation may arise. The other may not be able to resist the temptation for one reason or another. The wolf hidden in granny’s clothing may bear its teeth, feeling no need to show only the bright side of the Moon any more. The ultimate goal, of course, would be to show them the path to light and represent dawn in their hearts. But, that would mean first working on oneself to bring forth the Sun in one’s own heart and banish one’s inner darkness, the demons lurking in one’s own unconscious. At least, we can make a start on this great work of self-illumination that we may then shine equally upon all like the Sun, and like fire wherever it is found, or finds itself. In the mean time, we can but learn through experience and grow in awareness through pain. We may not believe that the person could have changed so radically. We did not see the betrayal coming and we may view it as a temporary problem which they will get over, perhaps with our help. We accept, suppress, endure, thinking it silly to feel affected by such behaviour from someone so close, whom we consider to be essentially well-meaning.

Master Po (Keye Luke): “Evil cannot be conquered in the world. It can only be resisted within oneself.”

                - Kung Fu (Season 2, Episode 7, ‘The Tong,’ 1973).

My sensitive soul went into hiding at a very early age, instinctively locking itself away within me because it was rendered oversensitive and deeply fearful and could not endure the harsh conditions of the external world. I always referred to that part of me as the genie in the lamp. I have Moon opposite Jupiter, so I am also overemotional, but all the joy and magic in me was only ever released when evoked by certain conditions. In contrast to this side of myself which has always escaped within, which can be likened to self-imprisonment, my evolving identity always lived for freedom. The emergence of Mars has stimulated the power of the Sun, providing an ally for the ‘kind’ to work with. Life and consciousness seem to perpetually conspire against this alliance, which means that, although I have become a complete individual and have a strong will and identity, asserting myself, expressing myself confidently and engaging with the world are still fraught with difficulty. I doubt if I will care so much as I become a wise old man, however, and perhaps these two sides of myself will become more integrated.

“...Merlin simply is. He sees the world and allows it to be whatever it is. This isn’t a passive act, however. The basis of everything in the wizard’s world rests upon the insight ‘All this is myself.’ Therefore, in accepting the world as it is, the wizard views everything in the light of self-acceptance, which is the light of love.” - Deepak Chopra (The Way of the Wizard. 20 Spiritual Lessons For Creating The Life You Want. 20 Spiritual Lessons For Creating The Life You Want, London, U.K., Rider, 1995, p.21).

“Through remembering realities in which you embraced the unconditional nature of love which Flows from the fifth dimension and beyond, you can replace your old, protective mechanism with the love and light of the ONE. Unfortunately, most of your spiritual traditions since the ‘Fall’ have had a Heaven, Nirvana, Afterworld, etc., which were actually in the fourth dimension. Since the fourth dimension still holds polarity, even in its highest octaves, there remains a conditionality to love. This conditionality teaches that love is something to be earned or achieved.

It is only through expanding your consciousness into the fifth dimension and beyond that you will be able to fully embrace, and live, the concept of unconditional love. Once your consciousness is filled with unconditional love, you will be able to realise that your old habits and emotional addictions were like training wheels on a child’s bicycle. These training wheels protected you from falling. However, once you realise that you can maintain balance on your own, the training wheels (habits and emotional addictions) slow you down and limit your ability to ‘enjoy the ride.’

On the other hand, once you have released your third dimensional limitations the work really begins. We say the word ‘work,’ for releasing judgement in a world filled with fear, such as your own, takes a tenacity and determination that feels like work. In order to release your old coping mechanism of differentiating between dark/fear (which you move away from) and light/love (which you move towards), you must fully embrace the fact that YOU resonate beyond the reach of either of these options. In other words, you will need to release your habitual perception of your SELF as being your earth vessel and see your SELF as being the ONE who is using that earth vessel as a means to more intimately experience the third dimension.

When the resonance of your consciousness is beyond polarity, unconditional love can rule your every thought, for you KNOW that you are protected at all times. With the knowledge of this protection, you will not need to judge others as a means to protect yourself. Even more importantly, when your consciousness is filled with unconditional love, you can perceive the ‘big picture’ of the small fragment of your SELF who is grounded in the third dimension…

A person whose consciousness resonates primarily to third/fourth dimension will have great difficulty with the instant manifestation of EVERY thought and emotion. The instant manifestation of their fear will not be enjoyable, nor will they like their every thought and emotion being read by others. The many secrets of the lower worlds do not exist in the fifth dimension. Therefore, those who still wish to live in separation from others will not be comfortable in that frequency of Earth.”

– The Arcturians (channelled through Dr. Suzanne Caroll, ‘Arcturian Corridor Part III,’ August 2010, www.multidimensions.com).

Retrospective insert.

"You are such a collection of different personalities; it is no wonder that at times your confrontations end with a falling out. Clearly if you cannot get on together it is sometimes better that you stay clear of each other. However, as you work towards lifting yourself up into the Light, you might consider whether you should re-trace your footsteps and look to repair the damage that has been done. It would be better handled now, as there are not many issues that cannot be sorted out if both parties desire to overcome their differences. You cannot fully progress until you do, and in doing so it would place you another step nearer to being able to express Unconditional Love. When you can achieve success within family circles and with friends, there is no reason why you should not extend that to all souls." - SaLuSa (channelled through Mike Quinsey, www.gfbymikequinsey.blogspot.com).

Excerpts from an email exchange with the friend I mentioned above in 2010 (nothing was resolved, there was nothing to resolve and we did not resume our earlier friendship because he left the table, as it were.

Oh, yeah...the 'strange inner space'...the reason most people take drugs! Not so strange for me. It's been my home since childhood. I find the outside world strange, spooky, scary, stupid, stroppy...sycophantic. I've always had trouble coming out of myself into the world. Major memory/attention problem. The inner 4D world is just as illusory and burdensome as the outer 3D one at the end of the day. I've been fortunate over the past four years to have connected with many like minds on the worldwide web for whom this realm is their natural habitat. However, I have a clearer idea how to get out of the maze now and step into 5D. That's my aim anyway. Weaknesses and bad habits don't help…I've always been an explorer of the mind who needed to find ways to step out of the realm of mind to relay truth in digestible forms. Kind of like a tadpole that finally comes to the realisation that it is an amphibious creature…When I was at college I studied all day every day as I do now and only a fraction of it was directly related to my course. Ah, 'The Nature of God.' Just the fact that I gave that title to my dissertation makes me smile.

And, in actual fact, I remember specifically thanking you for helping to trigger my will and give me a push to where I am now. I guess you thought I was being facetious and didn’t take me seriously [we had had a very brief email exchange in 2008 which didn’t go anywhere either!]. But, honestly, you did me a favour and I guess I know somewhere in myself that all of the challenging situations of my life have contributed to my growth and were destined and arranged for that reason, just as it is with each of us. You know, like I was carrying all that anger around and never really released it. Yes, it’s true you’re the only person I ever came close to killing! Haha. I’m grateful that you had the courage to, and agreed (in spirit) to, act as one of the triggers for bringing that beast to the surface. It could probably only be done that way, winding me up for 6 months or more, because I was always so ridiculously self-controlled [No – in fact you got this wrong. This was not a factor. The wind-up thing was nothing, just because I thought that might have affected me unconsciously. I don’t think it did. Or did it? LOL. Just me trying to fathom what might have led to such outrage in hindsight other than being pushed too far at a time when perhaps I was ready to explode and needed to release some of my anger with life. Too funny!]. So of course I remember what happened to me in that moment when the murderous, savage barbarian suddenly rose right to the surface, flooding my veins, and almost completely taking possession of me. I couldn’t very easily forget it! I had to use all my will power ingenuity to quell it. But, honestly, I just find it quite humorous now.

No one I know has changed as much as me over the years…Perhaps it’s just me who sees the difference but, essentially, I’m much more of a sovereign entity than before. I was a bit of a drifter before, like a leaf in the wind. Looking back, I can’t believe I put up with so much shit from other people when I was younger. It was my own fault. I should just have made the decision to poke you in the eye or get the fuck away from you long before that! Then it would have been over and done with…and then we might have met a few years later and there wouldn’t have been any bitterness or bad memories. [But this is wrong too…there wasn’t so much conflict before – although perhaps enough to affect me without realising it - but I probably did feel like I was being pushed away and lost the connection. He was showing a darker side to his personality for some time for sure. As my memory has faded, I think I have lumped everything that seemed negative together because we never openly discussed the matter. Then, again, perhaps neither of us really knew much except that we were both going through changes]. You had your own shit to deal with of course and dealt with it in your own way…which, ultimately, was equally disgraceful really. Haha. It’s kind of like the soot had to surface for the gold to come out shining fully. After the fire I suppose too.

I don’t know really. I don’t feel I was blaming you for anything or really had such a problem with you even after that. Otherwise I would have broken off contact myself. I was always good at that! But I think we were both in a difficult space in our lives and perhaps rubbed each other up the wrong way a bit, I don’t know. I would be pretty pissed off with you for making me ‘almost’ capable of killing someone. That was helluva scary for me, like a horror film. I don’t even know if I said anything. I just had to focus on regaining control because that unbelievably powerful rage possessed me! Maybe there was more of a problem than I can put my finger on now or maybe it was just that episode that I kept mentioning…You know…as I would because, for me, it had been such a crazy experience! Really, my memory is not that good and this is about as much as I can remember. It’s so long ago man!

[Who knows, perhaps I took on all the anger that others had sent to him psychically in the distant past when he was more of a troublemaker and I managed to stop it dead in its tracks and release it. It could be a combination of all these things].

I’ve come to the conclusion that you obviously just don’t like me! Haha. I rather suspect now that this was the issue all along so I’m thankful to have had this insight now. Perhaps you only ever related to part of me through projection as we humans so often do. Maybe you have strong emotions just as I have had in the past and maybe it all started in another life!

I made quite an effort to go back in time there didn’t I? I seemed to be doing well. I thought so anyway. But the whole point of that exercise, for me, was to lay the past to rest. Now I can’t remember much of it so I’m not really sure if I was just fumbling around in the dark for the most part! Nothing I uncovered affected me. I simply don’t live in the past at all even though I am still burdened by it. I’m interested in now and I know that those who are around me now are a vibrational match whether they came or reappeared from the past or entered my life from a different direction.

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But, it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” - Rocky Balboa (directed by Sylvester Stallone, 2006).

"Loving others means that we seize opportunities in our everyday lives to be more thoughtful, helpful and caring. It means taking the time to consider how someone will feel before we say or do something. Loving others means being sensitive and compassionate to people who have different needs than we do and accepting them without judgement. Love everyone as you love yourself because they literally are you." – Paul Adkins.

“I don't believe in guilt; I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person. And don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.” - Angelina Jolie.

“Love is not blind – it sees more, not less. But, because it sees more, it is willing to see less.” – Rabbi Julins Gordo.

Neil (Nigel Planer): Guys, guys, guys, I think I've solved our money problem. I'm writing to my bank manager. See what you think...’Dear Bank Manager.’
Mike (Christopher Ryan): Yeah?
Neil: Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far, though.
Mike: Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.
Vyvyan (Adrian Edmondson): I don't like the ‘dear.’ Sounds a bit too much like, ‘Will you go to bed with me?’
Mike: Well spoken, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?
Vyvyan: Uh, what about...’darling’?
[Everyone concurs]
Neil: [Writing] ‘Darling Bank Manager...’
Rick (Rik Mayall): No, no, no, no, no, not ‘Bank Manager,’ it's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put ‘Fascist Bullyboy!’
Neil: ‘Darling Fascist Bullyboy...’
Mike: That's nice, yes, so far so good. So what do you want to say?
Neil: Well, basically, I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.
Mike: Well, what about, ‘Give me some more money?’
Vyvyan: ...’You bastard!’
Neil: Don't you think that's a bit strong?
Mike: Ah, Neil, people like that respect strength.
Neil: Yeah, you're right. Uh, ‘Darling Fascist Bullyboy, Give me some more money, you bastard...’ Uh...’Love, Neil.’
Vyvyan: Not ‘Love, Neil’! That sounds far too much like, ‘Come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine!’
Neil: Yeah, you're right... Uh, what about, ‘Yours sincerely’?
Rick: Oh, come off it, Neil. If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go 'round there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?
Neil: Oh, look, I know, I know, why not ‘Boom Shanka’? It means, ‘May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman.’
Mike: He'll never understand ‘Boom Shanka,’ you'll have to write the whole thing out.
Neil: Right, okay, here we go. ‘Darling Fascist Bullyboy, Give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil.’
Rick: Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

- The Young Ones (Season 2, Episode 2, ‘Cash,’ written by Ben Elton and Rik Mayall, 1984, BBC TV).

Foot note

1. The ‘Serenity Prayer’ is sometimes confused with St. Francis’ ‘Prayer for Peace’ (see Chapter 8).