Monstaville Book II. Conclusion Part 1

Conclusion

“...a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ is a time when a dysfunctional belief is brought to our attention in order that we may change it. This process will always include some or all part of our lives being destroyed. One could say, a prop or all the props of our life are pulled from under us, leaving us with a life in shambles. Such a situation triggers extreme fear...as it is meant to do so that we have the opportunity to integrate that fear. We cannot integrate what we have not experienced.”

- Jelaila Starr (‘Planetary Dark Night of the Soul,’ 29 December 2008,

www.nibiruancouncil.com).

Left: Ascended Master St. Germain painting commissioned by AFW

After finishing the current book, I found myself being swept along with research for other projects (and this coincided with a tidal wave of information sharing on the net). It now feels as though the Conclusion I wrote for book one served as a foundation for a new perspective on the issues I have been relating and discussing. In other words, I hadn’t quite finished because there were further experiences and insights awaiting me. Consequently, as this book ends so does an entirely new phase of the journey begin. The roulette wheel is in motion and, as it slowly grinds to a halt, so will the direction of my thoughts on my experiences in ‘Monstaville’ become clearer.

Socially, I realise that I did not appreciate what I had in Colchester enough. It is only recently that I have found myself embracing people more. I have had to change my consciousness with regard to accepting a lack of abundance both financially and socially. I have had to reject certain limitations within myself and in my life. I no longer accept them. But I still find myself stuck down the same pit although, once free, I doubt if I will ever end up in one again. I believe I was simply too passive for many years and that what I considered to be self-control was partly the result of a deep feeling of helplessness which robbed me of my power of self-expression. In fact, I would say that the experiences and learning processes reflected in this book are all about developing greater flexibility and self-control. Permanently slamming the lid shut is a crude and destructive form of self-control and the lid simply covers all the drives and issues one wishes to ignore. They manifest in some way, sooner or later, and they can be very crippling. Asserting oneself and expressing one’s power are themselves examples of self-control.

I have discovered new outlets for releasing tension and channelling energy and they all add up. Each has great value to me. Life is a complicated business and I feel that I have been learning been learning to balance responsibility towards myself with responsibility towards others. I have also learned to balance love and acceptance (surrender) with power (the effect of which, alas, is limited unless it is shared by more than one person). Love is part of the solution, not the whole answer. I’m sure that is the reason I ended up in a situation where I have been at the mercy of assaults from both of these directions: financial and psychological. My sense of security has taken quite a beating. My all-or-nothing approach to life has also mellowed, at least in some areas. At least…this is the best I’ve been able to do thus far! We are all capable of blessing our enemies too. So we can experiment and see if it works for us. I have a feeling it is more powerful and effective now that the Ascended Ones are here to assist us.

I also sense that the reason it is I who am writing about this subject is that my rebellious tiger has been particularly obstinate and aggressive in relation to injustice over the course of many lifetimes (and possibly arrogant and self-righteous too). Reaction may have become a bad habit which I still have. Evidently, by design, being paralysed by extreme sensitivity (plus nervousness and an ‘attention deficit’ resulting, at least partly, from Psychic energy) through childhood trauma prevented me from being able to react thus cutting my consciousness some slack to rehabilitate me. I had to get used to not being able to react so that when I rediscovered my power and was freed from the ‘box’ I would, by then, respond in a higher way. So, I have been installed with an Inner Child who has been traumatised and paralysed through fear during childhood. Consequently, I was rendered incapable of defending myself – forced, in other words, to seek alternative options for surviving in this world, and now, in this environment, this grotty Monstaville chunk of terrace. Gradually, now, a new inner peace is replacing karma with being calmer. The tiger is not reacting and I feel more powerful and capable of making conscious choices and responses that are in keeping with my own feeling of fulfilment.

I tend to concur with whoever it was who observed that ‘love doesn’t work with the ungodly because they have not agreed to acknowledge spiritual law.’ The saying, ‘Love is the only way even in the face of adversity’ is no doubt true but easier said than done! It appears on the pages of www.childrenofthestars.ning.com of which Trey Abernethy is a member. He explains: “When we constantly maintain a loving vibration, we experience a rise in vibrational frequency.” (3 April 2009). I haven’t enjoyed laughing at myself so much since I started reading information about Ascension. It is now a regular event. It seems to be such a tall order to unplug ourselves completely from the Matrix.

“Love is the long-sought-after ‘Elixir of Life’ which is capable of transmuting pain to joy. Symbolically, the alchemists say it this way, ‘We can change lead (pain) to gold (joy).’ With the present exploration of the whole-brain consciousness, a great awakening and soul-searching is occurring.” – Faith Javane (Master Numbers. Cycles of Divine Order, Whitford Press, Pennsylvania, U.S., 1988 p.147).

My own spiritual experiences and studies are not the subject of these books. As I have pointed out, the entries from my journal included here formed a specific thread amongst my ongoing spiritual studies (I have been a serious student of mysticism, philosophy and the occult all my adult life). I would just like to share something with you in this regard. Much of what I was studying at the time related to Daoist alchemy (I have such a deep love for Ancient China and its arts, culture and philosophy). In terms of my actual practice, however, I did not really make much progress. During that period, which lasted for a few years, I found a wonderful and fascinating second-hand book channelled by St. Germain on ‘the blessed divine science of spiritual alchemy…the science of the mystic.’ [1] I read avidly about the recommended technique which sounded so simple until I arrived at the warning to use it only if one could maintain positive, loving thoughts constantly. Otherwise, it would be dangerous for the would-be alchemist. At which point, being so familiar with the disruptive effect my neighbours had on me, I decided most emphatically not to embark upon such a perilous path! When you have experiences like this where you are challenged to express more love and more power (and wisdom) than you appear to have, it can knock your sense of spiritual self-worth (as, too, can other experiences of course). I made a mental note to pick the book up again only if and when I was able to move to a quiet location in the country. And that was that, or so I thought.

Well, this story has now taken on a surreal twist! I was not going to mention this…I do keep personal experiences to myself generally and this book, as you are aware, would not have come about had it not been for the volume of entries relating to my neighbour conflicts…also, these Ascension studies would have remained private if it weren’t for the fact that they seemed to fit naturally into Monstaville, not least because they shed light on the meaning of the emotional cleansing we are experiencing at this time…so I hope that I have offered a basic but digestible introduction to the subject at least...but, hey, now that we’re on the subject…I recently attended an evening with St. Germain channelled through Ashamarae McNamara. In a brief personal ‘interview,’ the Ascended Master implied that ‘they’ (the Ascended masters) had been watching me for several years and ‘knew who I was.’ He affirmed that I was in the ascension process, that I was now ‘doing it’ and informed me that the result was going to be much more than I am anticipating. I told him I knew of him through the book I had read and he noted that he had brought the book to me. I found the stories of his life on Earth very inspiring and they reminded me of one of my favourite films, Munchausen (directed by Josef von Báky in 1943), about an aristocratic adventurer who attained immortality. The latter is based on the tall stories of a retired army captain and contemporary of the real, if mysterious, long-lived 18th-century adventurer (der Wundermann – ‘the Wonderman’ or the “man who knows everything and who never dies," as Voltaire described him).

I have written a note in pencil on the first page of the book: ‘The Christian path of blind faith and obedience is [potentially] the quickest way to God but it’s not for everyone (it’s very masculine and direct) and because it is so simple and direct it is easily misrepresented and used to keep people in a state of ignorance.’ [2] The science conveyed by the Master Alchemist appeals to one’s reason as much as the legendary life of the Count was colourful and is therefore attractive and engaging, inviting us to become bold, fun-loving and enthusiastic explorers ourselves (which we can all be once we manage to overcome our mortal limitations!). It is no wonder, then, that he is referred to as the ‘Hierarch (or Earth Guardian) of the Aquarian Age’ (as Jeshua was for the Piscean Age). He lived for humanity rather than himself and he continues to dedicate himself to humanity’s freedom. How can we not love such a supportive friend as this advanced soul, this God-man? He may not feature in our exoteric history books (and their many ‘cooked’ accounts) but he played an important role in humanity’s progress and is here with us and reaching out to those who seek to enter this quantum leap and ascend to a higher state of consciousness, to return to genuine freedom and joy.

For those whose beliefs and rigid mindsets do not allow them to entertain the possibility that there exists anything beyond the material illusion with which they identify as absolute reality St. Germain is not so much of a mystery as a charlatan. As such, they write him off with such ease and certainty that I could imagine him disappearing before their very eyes and they would explain the incident away without blinking an eye. Nancy Mitford, for example, in her biography of Madame de Pompadour, the official mistress of King Louis XV (for five years), tells us that St. Germain merely ‘amused and distracted’ them. She writes that not much has ever been known about him “except that he was very rich and spoke every European language.” (Madame de Pompadour, Hamish Hamilton Limited, London, U.K., 1954, p.213). She adds: “But his own claim to fame was that he had lived for thousands of years and had known Jesus Christ.” (ibid. p.213-214). In fact, it appears that St. Germain allowed people to speculate that he had lived for 500 years. In the meantime, he himself confirmed that, although he retained the appearance of a man aged 50, he had certainly lived much longer than 50 years but not such an incredible length of time).

Mitford records only that St. Germain wandered from one European court to another, not that he had attempted to unite Europe through its individual monarchies let alone that, upon failing in this endeavour, he played an important role in the founding of the United States of America, or at least the preparation and signing of the Declaration of Independence (again behind the scenes). Mitford notes that “Madame de pompadour and the King were seeing a great deal of that curious personage the Comte de St. Germain.” (ibid. p213). She assumes that they “forced themselves to believe in him, rather as children force themselves to believe in conjurers, to heighten the entertainment value.” (ibid.). [3] She also provides definite dates for St. Germain’s birth and death. In reality, no one really knows when he was born and an acquaintance recorded that, at some point, St. Germain had eventually declared it time for him to leave the society of men. If he did not go back to the Himalayas and remain there for several decades to recharge his body, he said, he would not be able to remain in this world.

One website explains: “Saint Germain has spoken through several channels and by all accounts he is described as a wonderfully loving, quick-witted, humorous, intelligent, fun-loving and very powerful being. Call upon Saint Germain to assist you to transform your consciousness to become a pure reflection of the I AM Presence/the God-within/our true self. He can help all who wish to achieve this goal. Call upon him to help you to make conscious use of the violet consuming flame. Saint Germain’s message to the world is: Don’t take everything so seriously. Be well, have fun and laugh. Let go of the past. Stand in your own power and use your power in love. Let your own mighty I AM Presence be your guru. Connect with this part of yourself every day. Call upon the violet flame to consume all discordant creations of your past. Find your freedom through love.” (www.universalcenterforenergymedicine.com/esoterica/index_files/Page558.htm). Deep inside each of us is a desire to know God/Goddess. St. Germain invites all to call upon him for assistance in their spiritual life (yet, it matters not which Ascended Master(s) one chooses to focus upon since they are all joined as One like individual flames in the divine fire of God-consciousness).

“Love will enter immediately into any mind that truly wants it, but it must want it truly.  Love, which created you, is what you are. To create is to love. Love extends outward simply because it cannot be contained. To think like God is to share his certainty of what you are and, to create like Him, is to share the perfect Love He shares with you.” – A Course in Miracles (The Foundation for Inner Peace, CA., U.S., 1976).

One other thing I would like to mention is that, a few years ago, I experienced a very powerful and intense feeling of love (a magical energy) in my heart for near enough a whole day. It was a supernatural sweetness the like of which I have never experienced since. It opened me up to a deep desire to serve humanity. Indeed, I felt compelled to take action. When St. Germain says that once you have experienced that sweetness you won’t want to go back, he means it (for a start, as he counsels, sugar, at least in such excess, closes the heart which means that the day after one has drunk alcohol, even just one beer, that inner feeling that leads to rich spiritual experience will be constricted). In his Mémoires de Mon Temps, S. A. Le Landgrave Charles, Prince De Hesse, reported that St. Germain “was, perhaps, one of the greatest philosophers who ever lived. The friend of humanity, wishing for money only that he might give to the poor, a friend to animals, his heart was concerned only with the happiness of others.” (Copenhagen, 1861, p.135. Quoted in The Comte de St. Germain by Isabel Cooper-Oakley, Theosophical Publishing House, London, U.K., 1912).

Alas, what I experienced did not appear to relate to anything I had done so I did not imagine that there was any way for me to repeat it let alone maintain such a state. In actual fact, I assumed that it would still be there in the morning! I felt that I had been born again or something. I can, however, imagine how compelling it would be to feel that divine love and preserve it in any way possible if one knew how. To this effect, I wish to share a prayer offered by St. Germain (channelled through Ashamarae McNamara, www.awakeningfromwithin.com) which I have been repeating (and paraphrasing from memory) daily - the reason being that I know from personal experience that nothing compares to that feeling of divine love when it arises naturally and fully in one’s heart:

"Take a deep breath and know that we speak in this moment from direct experience. That which you call God loves beyond a way that you can comprehend, is an all-encompassing sweetness, ever expressing joy and serenity. And all that which is, is yours in this moment.

We offer you this prayer, for it is one that we, the Ascended Masters, have used for millennia. Use the simple prayer daily, as much as you like and watch your life change:

Beloved God, I am here. I long for a love that I have not known in this life. Reveal to me, reveal through me, the tenderness of the heart. That in this moment as I breathe in and breathe out, that love shines, that I be open, that I allow and I surrender to that which you are pouring forth in this moment. For it is said that we are one, yet reveal this to me Lord. Open me. I surrender this moment. Thank you.

Take a deep breath. For the next 3 minutes be still and feel in your heart.

Namaste."

I have since realised that this overwhelming energy that came forth from within me and which I experienced for one whole day in 2005 or 2006 was the Christ. When I asked St Germain if he could help me find it again he said that was nothing. I replied, 'It was pretty overwhelming!' There is Love and there are temporary excuses for love which are illusory projections, kind of like chasing our own tails. Hence, they say that 'love is for the young.' There is a difference between being loving and being Love. We're here to be atomic Christ-suns! It was a taster but, honestly, others I've met who have had this experience feel the same way as me about it: it's like, 'Oh shit! I can't afford to be in that state all the time.' Haha. Because it takes over. It's like an atomic love explosion and the only thing you care about is helping, or serving, everyone any way you can. I made these big and stupid plans that day and when I woke up in the morning it was gone. It was a relief and yet I knew that was the only happiness that exists. Basically, that Light is reality and the rest, all our ego projections and lives, it's all a dream. I did not wish to be of service anymore with that much intensity. I'm a busy man! I found it inconvenient in a practical sense. And, besides, I did not really have a viable outlet and was unprepared. I'm no Christian. I was not seeking that experience. I injured the ring finger of my right hand in a martial arts class! That triggered it because, as St Germain explained, there is a meridian that connects this finger and the heart. In fact, I felt that the ascended masters were responsible for a cut on the ring finger of my left hand whilst I was playing Frisbee during the summer of 2009 (the Frisbee was broken and the inner ring was made from hard plastic). That is why mentioned it. In fact, I said to him, 'Can I have that love back?'

Alchemist St. Germain painting (18th century)

Ah, yes, the day I met the one whom I’ve described as the coolest man in the West [after me]! Scholars of Freemasonry and Western alchemy have been baffled as to how St. Germain acquired his youthful appearance and magical powers. He was himself a Freemason for a while and “was one of the selected representatives of the French Masons at their convention at Paris in 1785,” as Rosicrucian Grand Master Raymund Andrea explains, but he warned that it was being corrupted by the Illuminati (a term which I may or may not be employing accurately, and Andrea also states that St. Germain attended the Congress at Wilhelmsbad which was designed to “bring about a conciliation between the various sects of the Rosicrucians, the Cabalists, the Illuminati, the Humanitarians”). I have come across claims that he entered one of the powerful stargates that are said to be located in the south of France. St. Germain himself says that he did it through love. At any rate, love clearly played a major role in his ascendency to multidimensional consciousness and God-realisation. Freemasons know him as Master (or ‘brother’) Rakoczi which was his real name, ‘St. Germain’ being one of many names that he employed to suit his purposes. In a wonderful article written for the July 1912 issue of The Mystic Triangle, Andrea affirms insightfully, “Undoubtedly the Comte is one of our Great Brothers of the Great White Lodge.” He writes:

“The Comte when he appeared gained precisely the same kind of reputation he would be assured of were he to appear today. He was a romantic, a charlatan, an adventurer, a liar and a swindler. When a man receives a galaxy of titles of that description he is usually a character worth investigating. Those who investigated the character of the Comte testified that he lived according to a strict regime; that he had a charming grace and courtliness of manner; that he was an excellent musician and demonstrated powers which were incomprehensible and amazing; that he painted beautifully, and spoke the languages of half a dozen countries so perfectly that he might have been a native of either. He adopted various names the better to execute his mission; a custom which we thoroughly understand, but which to his contemporaries was a most damning reflection on his character. He conversed with people when they were young and met them again when they were old, but appeared not a day older himself. They could assign a sinister reason for his numerous names; but when he appeared at the court of Louis XV and encountered those who had met him in Venice 50 years before, reason failed them. The Countess v. Georgy called him ‘a most extra-ordinary man, a devil!’" (‘The Comte de St. Germain. Mystical Facts About a Famous Rosicrucian,’ from The Mystic Triangle, July 1928).

Religion might be uncool but love most certainly isn’t. Love is everything. All is love. It can feel so blissful because, in its essence, as energy, it is the flavour of our true beingness. Love has been called the beauty of the soul. ‘’Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know,” the poet John Keats once stated. Predominantly rational minds believe that truth takes God out of the equation. Yet, the truth cannot be dissected, boxed and labelled like mere facts (facets of existence) but leads to God (Divine Reality) through direct experience and intuitive knowing. Whereas the message and teachings of the Nazarene have been suppressed and disported beyond recognition by the Church, we now have access to so much unadulterated truth. We now have a golden opportunity to experience the joy of applying our creative intelligence, of fulfilling our true purpose and becoming all that we can be. Can we afford to waste it? For many British people, religion has such a stigma attached to it because we are reviled by the traditional dogmas of morality and obligation. For myself, as a free-thinking individual, this extends to much of science and popular culture too. Yet, people have allowed this repulsion to close the curtains to the plane of spiritual exploration and even to their psychic consciousness. This deluge of ignorance is now subsiding as the waves part, if you will. The focus of love by both St. Germain and Jeshua does not curtail the expression of universal truth. The beauty of the New Age is that truth is returning and with it the truth of love and Oneness on a level never before seen on Earth. The Ascended Ones have no interest in depriving us of the truth of who we really are, of how we have been tricked and controlled, of our Atlantean and Lemurian roots, of our chakras and subtle bodies, our power and higher potential and other esoteric truths (and tools).

We do not have many spiritual role models in the West, not on the level of true mastery at least. Who but St. Germain can inspire Europeans (and many Americans too) to awaken from their slumber? He’s the ‘man.’ Whoever he is and was, the fact is he was and still is at the forefront of raising consciousness in the west. I have accumulated much cynicism, disillusionment and lethargy as well as some bad habits over the years. Whenever I tried to elevate myself to become resolutely and permanently centred in the Light, I would fall down after a year or two, not realising that I was weighed down by baggage from childhood, unfinished business. I now realise that I had awakened (or attuned) to 5D Light and flapped my wings a bit but failed to take off. I had, at least, stood in the gateway. I was pulled back down by my shadow self into the fourth dimension, back into the polarity of light and dark. The flower closed to the Light and, once again, I was confined to the personal consciousness of stem and roots, of conscious and unconscious, and of leaves and thorns, pleasure and pain.

Socrates (Nick Nolte): The habit is the problem. All you need to do is be conscious about your choices and responsible for your actions.

                - Way of the Peaceful Warrior (directed by Victor Salva, 2006, based on the novel by Dan Millman).

St. Germain, for me personally, is the inspiration and motivation to move forward. I was already responding to the accelerated energies arriving towards the end of 2008 but found myself stumbling, losing my focus. St. Germain ‘knows us.’ He has himself climbed out of the pit we know so well and it is through his efforts that the West embarked upon a new paradigm of consciousness. Although those collective seeds were trampled in their prime they survived and are now responding to the return of the Sun. The gardeners of Earth have been watching and have returned to lend a helping hand. St. Germain is familiar with the cultural malaise into which we have fallen and knows what each of us needs. We are all brothers and sisters and a close relative is here, standing beside us, not aloof in any way, without judgement, offering loving guidance to those who desire that the seedlings of civilisation prosper in the Light above the soil. We are those seedlings, friends; and, after us, others will take the stems higher and higher until the flower of full abundance and enlightenment blossoms.

We need only open our minds and nurture the desire to know more than society and our reason alone reveal to us. There is now every possibility that we – even repressed/oppressed English people - may respond to the increasing levels of Light in this world, in this galaxy, by opening our hearts and minds. St. Germain offered a couple of examples of English politeness: ‘I’m hurt but I won’t acknowledge it’ and ‘I don’t want to work here but I’ll just put up with it.’ (Channelled through Ashamarae McNamara, ‘Connecting to Your Authentic Self,’ 26 June 2009, Violet Hill Studios, London). He also told us, ‘If someone asks, ‘How are you?’ say you feel bad if you feel bad.’ Be real in other words (but don’t share your bad news lest it contributes towards prolonging your misfortunes…which seems a slight contradiction perhaps since people might well ask, ‘Why do you feel bad?’ Well…it’s a long story!).

Beyond the rock pool of personal emotions lies the sea of intuitive awareness. An aspect of chaos or crisis might indeed enter our lives for a while as emotions stir and surface, once they are released and once we become conscious of them, understand ourselves better and move beyond them so they are no longer repressed and holding us back from knowing and being ourselves fully. The rewards, however, make this transition worthwhile as we become enriched with spiritual insight and gifts and that love and bliss, that peace and joy, that is our true nature. We have put up with drama and many have believed this form of ‘excitement’ was the way to happiness and fulfilment. It was, as everything is in its own way, a choice, whether conscious or unconscious (and unconscious choices teach us to become more conscious, to master our minds so that we are no longer at the mercy of the unconscious and its projections onto the screen of life in the form of Pig Monsters and the like!). It needed to happen so that enough people would conclude from experience that this is but a lie. That information has been injected into the collective unconscious where it is readily tapped into by many more people. Now is the time to let the Light shine.

“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” – Unknown.

If I could be bothered, perhaps I could think of myself as having just moved here consciously and deliberately in order to study the situation and find possible solutions and explore ideas that might be of benefit to others. Simply erase the past (including the past-life experiences of lashing out against injustice). I may not have fully explored the peaceful, non-violent solution before. I don’t really rate it much, I have to admit. I realise, however, that it is about long-term rather than short-term gain. It is not really about dealing with other people so much as choosing to centre oneself in the inner reality instead of identifying with the external world. It is about learning to express one’s higher nature under negative circumstances, asking the question, for instance, ‘What would love do now?’ And, then, when the ego, or that part that is suffering, protests and exclaims, ‘But I can’t bear it!’ it might be necessary to also choose between raw reaction and power tempered by patience, wisdom and compassion. At least, this has been my experience! Compromise following self-negotiation! Having rejected love as a solution in itself, I am interested in taking practical and effective measures that are creative rather than extreme expressions of power.

Self-mastery is founded on being good to yourself, I feel. We raise and keep our vibrations high through truth, love, fun, joy…fifth-dimensional, or multidimensional, attributes. In relation to others, this involves compassion and unconditional love and spreading joy and inspiration, offering kindness and encouragement. However, it also includes the wisdom of knowing when to be firm and assertive with others, as gently and intelligently as possible, without yielding to anger and allowing one’s heart to close. Neither allowing people to walk all over you nor hurting them. If you allow them to drag you down you are no good to yourself or others and therefore not helping the world, not contributing with your energy and potential, love and power.

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” - Christopher Reeve.

I do sometimes feel like George Orwell on his Down and Out in Paris and London (published in 1933) escapade except that ‘roughing it’ as I am culturally and financially could not be further from what I wish to be experiencing, or writing about for that matter. While I am absolutely no volunteer in this oft-miserable farce, however, it feels like I have finally made peace with the situation. I have learned that my circumstances are a reminder to release emotional blockages and learned to use my wits to some extent along the way. However, it also feels as though I am on a brave mission behind enemy lines. The mission has been a success but the enemy is all around me, as well as closing in on me. I am struggling to endure this precarious situation, waiting to be rescued, waiting for my side to come and get me out of this hellish place.

"If you can cultivate the right attitude, your enemies are your best spiritual teachers because their presence provides you with the opportunity to enhance and develop tolerance, patience and understanding." - Dalai Lama.

It kind of feels like being in a social experiment, in a laboratory (or Big Brother house divided by a screen). Instead of watching me squirm and struggle, weep and yell, on reality TV, you have been privy to my memoirs, my innermost thoughts and meditations, and my private research and efforts to remedy the situation and come out on top, triumphant, whilst endeavouring to keep my integrity intact. Quite a feat, I can tell you! And, I have been studying and grappling with this tormenting experience, this feeling of utter powerlessness and futility, this frustration and despair, for a decade now. This chess game, if you prefer. And, while I have, indeed, come up with some strategic solutions to outmanoeuvre and outsmart my intimidators, I still find myself in the same situation, in the same circumstances, with the same assaults on my dignity, peace of mind and quality of life. And I am still obliged to try new things, to adjust, to exercise my courage, intelligence, intuition and creativity, to love and to assert my power and apply my will, to dig deep and draw on inner strength and psychological resources, to find my way through the brambles, through the dark, and to minimise my suffering as the thorns of malicious intent catch me, tear the outer garments of my psyche and cut and scrape the limbs of my being. When I told a friend that my neighbours had resumed their ‘terror campaign’ yet again without provocation he called it a wound that refuses to heal.

"I play my enemies like a game of chess, where I rest. No stress," Lauren Hill raps in the Fugees’ song 'Ready Or Not' (1996).

The two Angel Cards I just turned over are Tenderness and Grace. Meaning? Meaning, perhaps, that this long, dark tunnel is a process of purging my ego, of cleansing a deep-seated violence inside of myself which, however much I suppress it, refuses to die. It must, perhaps, surface in order in order to be released, provoked to become conscious and transmuted. Everything is energy. Releasing anger can enable us to perceive and redirect it with consciousness, say goodbye to it as we make practical but also loving choices, as we both protect ourselves and use the energy to recreate ourselves, to be reborn as the new skin replaces the old patterns of consciousness which serve the snake in its environment. The new patterns are fifth-dimensional, produced by love and compassion, and feeling the oneness of all life. for, although I appear to have failed in my attempts to bring peace and harmony to my home environment in relation to my neighbours, it is fair to say that, although I despise my neighbours and continue to defend myself begrudgingly, I do not react so much as respond creatively and thoughtfully, asserting my will without sinking into negative thought patterns. I simply do what I feel I have to; although sometimes it’s tense and sometimes fun. I take whatever action I feel is necessary and in this way, rooted in an endeavour to be as patient and compassionate as I can, the training of my mind has moved me into the realm of constructive (or cheeky) action or communication if that route is accessible. I deal with the situation as best I can and have to accept my limitations but also own my power and take responsibility for it. And, although the door to my heart is slammed shut by the gusts of hatred that turn upon me, I do not allow it to remain closed for long. I live my life, enjoy my pursuits, strive to achieve my goals and feel an immense reservoir of love, even for my enemies.

"Where there is fear we lose the way of our spirit." – Gandhi.

I do not consider myself to be inherently fearful but my life has been plagued by a fearful attitude as a result of being over-sensitive and rendered docile and vulnerable (as well as somewhat dysfunctional) by my attention condition although it is likely that this developed as a result of escaping from the world, withdrawing into my shell. A combination of hypersensitivity and fear. As a young boy I suffered from fatally-high temperatures whenever I attended parties and the hosts would have to call my parents to come and collect me. I believe that we come to Earth to experience and learn certain things for our own soul evolution. On a higher level, however, our purpose is also to help others. In my case, I cleared much karma during childhood in order to make myself vulnerable. Through this vulnerability, I have become more acquainted with the realm of emotions and I have also always felt a strong empathy for vulnerable people along with an urge to help them. And I often notice than many do not possess the self-love, inner power and confidence that I do (and which I can’t imagine being without). My heart goes out to those people who are gentle and vulnerable for one reason or another and whom society tends to walk all over or leave behind. That’s when my compassionate soul really takes over.

As a result of my childhood, I have given myself a tough nut to crack, a thick shell separating me from personal emotions even though I’m on first name terms with deep feelings. Or, like a fruit, the husk hardens to protect the ripening meat within. So, through ‘everlasting pain and torment,’ I have been continually acquainting myself with emotions even in my efforts to deny and control them. An unconscious learning process has finally become a conscious awakening.

We each have a higher purpose, a contribution to make to the world, but we tend to get lost in our personal lives. We get tangled up in our experiences and the habit patterns they often produce. In other words, we become so involved in the lower life at the expense of the higher. This time around, however, since we are experiencing the end of 3D identification, it does not matter so much that we may have grown too fond of our personal lives and our lower selves. God is always there within us sending love to remind us who and what we really are, that we are loved and that we are love itself. The Higher Self always seeks to get our attention. Our focus has been so fixed on the material world that our minds, let alone our hearts, have been externalised. Living on automatic pilot has bound us to physical existence, to that which we are not. We have neglected the inner, deeper layers of ourselves, of our consciousness. Our awareness has been restricted to that of the conscious but shallow ego, the limited, physical personality. Now, however, in addition to inner guidance and the God within us shining its Light and seeking our attention, we are joined by powerful and uplifting sources of divine energy encouraging us to raise our vibration and know that we are more than the body, intellect and emotions.

‘Going with the flow,’ I have learned, does not mean being passive or paralysed, prevented from living one’s life, but being open to creative responses from within oneself, holistically combining the three principles of the Triune God/Goddess: Love, Power and Wisdom. To focus on either love or power alone is to neglect wisdom. I have no choice but to listen to my creative intelligence just s I also have no choice but to endure all this at the same time. I have been obliged to stay and confront the situation whilst at the same time surrendering to its volatile energetic and riding the waves when they rise and carry me into a dimension of conflict and chaos that I seek to avoid permanently, penetrating my unconscious and teaching me to make conscious choices in a realm that I would rather run away from.

”Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.” – Dorothy Thompson.

One important lesson I have learned is that I have, throughout my life, through fear and through a feeling of powerlessness and a passive will, allowed people to behave selfishly and aggressively without considering my welfare, my peace of mind, my right to relax and enjoy life, to be free. I was too sensitive, shy and fearful. Consequently, it took more courage and strength than I could muster to speak up about how I felt. I did not see any alternative, partly because I did not give sufficient attention to this aspect of my life. I just watched the ship slowly sink without applying either my will or creative intelligence to keeping myself afloat, determined to win the game of life and reach my destination. I have found power in purposefulness and I have found that, rather than being my enemy, however oppressive I perceive the world to be, ‘life is what you make it.’ Until, we take back our power, until we desire dignity and victory and actively choose to stand up for ourselves, we remain lost in the illusion of victimhood. Even if we must spend our whole lives mastering life, even if we must endure years of suffering, even if we end up writing a crazy book like this, we owe it to ourselves to rise to the challenge and learn as much as we can about overcoming our own weaknesses and ignorance. We owe it to ourselves to at least try, to experiment with the tools that have been made available. We must look within and search our souls. For, everything we need resides within us even though we may need a few signposts along the way. It may take a heavy Pluto transit to bore a deep enough hole through our habitual consciousness, but I believe each and every one of us has an opportunity to strike oil eventually and claim the riches buried deep within us, awaiting our attention. ‘Where there’s a will there’s a way.’

“The simplest and most certain guide to anyone’s level of development is his capacity to mind his own business. When we are concentrating on developing ourselves, the desire to interfere in, or judge, the life of others disappears…When we cease to want other people to be like us, we have taken a great step forward, leaving behind the herd instinct of the animal and entering the field of individual human growth. As consciousness develops everything instructs. Another test of our development is the range of attitudes we have at our disposal to apply to any given situation. For instance, if we always use the same attitude every time a similar event occurs, we have not developed very far.” - Richard Gardner (Evolution Through the Tarot, Samuel Weiser, Inc., U.S., New York, 1962 and 1970, p.95).

I have given my consent to injustice by not speaking up, not standing up for myself, not seeking positive solutions, not expressing my anger, not sharing my feelings, not loving myself enough, not knowing and affirming my rights as an individual, not asking for help and not knowing the tricks of the trade, the tools of self-mastery. The disciple asks a question and the Master sends him off to a situation in which he can find the answer first-hand. It may be years before he returns to the Master with the understanding he has attained. Alternatively, he may keep returning each year in need of a further clue. We must at least make an effort before the Universe responds. We are guided but must, ultimately, learn for ourselves because, as I said, the truth is within. I wish, however, that I had asked for guidance. Kryon tells us that one of the most respected of all the questions of life is, ‘God, please tell me what it is I need to know.’ The reason is evidently that we are not asking someone else to live our lives for us, or to do the work for us, but seeking the knowledge we require in order to live up to our potential. Having concentrated on the task at hand, having thrust our roots deep into the ground, we eventually stumble on a few simple but desperately needed gardening tips! Like, ‘Oh, you mean I can grow upwards and reclaim my divine power too?’ ‘I’m a flower waiting to be discovered and admired?’

“You are never alone or helpless. The force that guides the stars guides you too.” - Shrii Shrii Anandamurti.

First, the semi-conscious, sleeping bud, then the blossoming of intuitive depth and the release of love’s sweet fragrance. It is with strength and wisdom gained from experience that we transcend fear and self-imposed limitations and allow the heart to open fully. I was starting to bloom when I was living in Colchester in my late twenties but I was not ready. I needed to enter the Underworld and grope around in the dark tunnel of my unconscious. It kind of feels like I was lowered down into the well to bring water up to the surface but then felt abandoned as I could not find my way back out again and needed to be hoisted up. It seems that I needed to really take a good, long look at my inner darkness in order to fully embrace the Light when it reappeared. And the rope lifted me up to a certain height and then lowered or dropped me again. There was more inner work to be done but the respite reminded me of the Light again, reminded me that the rope had not deserted me completely. Then, finally, when it seemed that all was lost, I called up and announced that I wished to come up and I set my intention thus, working in partnership with my Higher Self.

PLAY: The second half of ‘Disarm’ by the Smashing Pumpkins (from the album Siamese Dream, 1993).

Having forgotten about the flower, I allowed it to close and wither. I now realise, however, that it was imperative that I put down deeper roots in order to reach greater maturity. There is no longer one flower unfolding on the rose bush but several, all responding simultaneously to the Sun’s wake-up call, to the dawn of the Golden Age. As more people pass such initiations, the resulting wisdom in the collective unconscious becomes available to others so they can move through the process of self-actualisation more quickly. This is usually achieved without a written account of the expedition to provide more immediate access to some of the keys that may be used along the way. It is my hope that this book serves that purpose. Our paths are unique and, yet, they also contain many common denominators. One key may unlock several doors. One account may serve (save?) many souls.

Footnotes

1. Jim Self defines alchemy as Athe ability to recognise all that=s possible and then change or transform one into something else. In other words, the ability to change the frequency or the vibration of your existence as a spiritual, mental, emotional and physical level. In other words, the ability to change the frequency or the vibration of your existence on a spiritual, mental, emotional and physical level.@ Mastering alchemy is Achoosing the most joyful possibility and allowing it,@ he says. Self explains that anger, as an example, restricts our ability to feel happy. AAnger vibrates at a lower, slower frequency whereas happy vibrates at a higher, faster frequency. By holding on to the vibration of anger you are limiting your ability to be happy. You simply operate at a lower, slower frequency that limits access to the higher, faster feelings. This is exactly what happens in lower, third-dimensional reality. Accessing the higher dimensional frequencies simply cannot occur at a lower, slower vibration. You have to raise your vibrational field in order to access the higher consciousness in simultaneous time.@ (>Mastering Alchemy - Sacred Geometry Energy Meditation,= Google Video lecture, 1 July 2007). On the alchemical path of Light, we continue to increase our frequency. We continue to evolve to the highest frequency attainable which includes more love, more joy and more abundance as well as creative intelligence and greater abilities. “Raise your frequency by being even more open to new potentials,” counsels Metatron. “Judge not your experiences nor that of others, for all are experiencing the trial and error growth towards the crystalline Vibration of Impeccability.” (Channelled through Tyberonn, 31 December 2009, www.earth-keeper.com).

2.  A French diplomat named Joseph De Maistre (1753‑1821) puts it more succinctly: "Christianity was preached by ignorant men and believed by servants, and that is why it resembles nothing ever known."

3. A good biography of St. Germain can be found in Magicians, Seers and Mystics by Reginal Merton which is reproduced here: www.deeptrancenow.com/exc_stgermain.htm.

Continued in Part 2

St. Germain channelling in full trance through Ashamarae NcNamara (Corfu 2010 I believe)