Monday, 4 May 2015

Monstaville Book III. Chapter 9


“When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.”
- Carl Jung.

Concerning hate, someone, somewhere, sometime, said that older souls may dislike and even despise, but they never hate. Although the word might be used to describe what they feel, there is always a deeper feeling that is positive and which, however much it is suppressed, counters the transient feeling of bitterness or resentment.

“We’re not meant to repress any negative emotions because it causes imbalance. To conquer our emotions, we must embrace them, not fight them. We must acknowledge them and allow them to serve their purpose as we learn from them.
                The ancient Essene culture left teachings dating back about 6000 years. They taught that our relationships with one another, with the Universe and with situations and events are mirrors of the parts of our psyche that need to be cleansed...It is very important to understand that when you fear loss, fear death, fear war, fear terrorism or fear change, you are giving others the ability to control you based on those fears. When you fight against poverty or against racism, when you fight for relationships or for freedom, you are outwardly attempting to repress that which has been placed before you to conquer inwardly.
                These situations are mirrors of our fears. This is why it is important to love and only love. Love those who stand with you but especially those who stand against you. Do not look at your fears as a threat. Rather, understand that this material world is only a physical manifestation of either the love or fear in your consciousness. It is as plain as day. All you need to conquer in your life is in your face. If you want to understand what your true inner fears are, analyse your ambitions and your inhibitions.”
                - The Esoteric Agenda (Extract from the film crated by Created by Ben Stewart from, 2008).

PLAY: ‘Everyday Struggle’ by The Notorious B.I.G. (1994).

Concerning suicide, I have felt suicidal many times in my life but attempted it only once and did not see it through to the end (obviously!) because a good friend must have felt something, a prompt, and rang me (there were also other practical concerns). I do believe that negative thoughts, despair and depression attract dark energies (spirits) who may then intensify such emotions. How much of one’s depression is in actual response to circumstances? Similarly, when we react to something or someone in anger we may tap into reserves of unconscious anger from experiences in our past. It is therefore important to be conscious and look at these emotions, to sense and understand that other emotions may have been triggered and that they are therefore an inappropriate response to the situation at hand.

“We’ve got our soldiers fighting Gangsta niggaz. Them terrorists is Gangstas. How the fuck you gonna scare somebody that wanna die? Like, ‘I’ll kill your motherfucking ass!’ ‘Thank you very much!’ Huh. What the fuck?” – American Comedian Katt Williams.

It is plausible that Pigsy, as well as other problems, ‘turned up on my doorstep’ partly because I had felt depressed and suicidal off and on since I was a teenager both owing to suppressed pain within myself and subsequent struggles in life. The former had eased significantly but the latter had also increased significantly. Perhaps it was the universe saying, ‘Now is your chance if you wish’ - but without really taking my desire for death too seriously, knowing that deep down, I love life, love people, and have faith in myself to shine through the clouds of despair and pass the karmic initiation that is upon me in this lifetime. [1]

Caine (David Carradine): “Without fear, one sees more clearly.”
                - Kung Fu (Third Season, Episode 4, ‘This Valley of Terror,’ 1974).

Accept what is there but this doesn’t mean you have to be docile and do nothing to counter your circumstances or change the situation. Positive will can be applied: that is surely why we are individual souls. We are here to learn to express the power of God, of our true being, in contrast to the experience of darkness, fear, powerlessness, ignorance, destruction, dependency and suffering. We are here to awaken from a dream created by the subconscious in response to childhood (and past life) awaken from darkness to light. We are here to express the power of the Creative Force individually, as unique points of consciousness, or degrees of Beingness. Hence, Buddha shining positive light towards the angry fellow. Hence, also, the higher expression of Will through what the Daoists call ‘Wu Wei,’ which amounts to non-action in an external sense but manifesting through positive intent in a relaxed state of divine oneness, without resistance. Since we are Being and all is an expression of Being, centring ourselves in Being enables us to draw the curtains of illusion to let in the light of reality and to live true to our higher nature on this planet. It is no easy feat to reprogram ourselves and demonstrate the power of the God Force since we are so attached to matter and it is hard to break the spell (and to cast the chunky shackles of karma aside).

Feeling is the key to returning to the state of collective oneness, flowing with the universal whole. Then all things are possible, achieving maximum effect through minimum effort. We each owe it to ourselves to find and express our higher purpose. To believe that happiness can be obtained by sinking down to animal aggression is great folly. By centring oneself in the purpose that the Higher Self needs to express, one’s consciousness rises up to the level of elevated thought, visualisation or affirmation, to effect positive outcomes for all concerned. It is then up to the universe as to whether or not that can be manifested, so it is wise not to be attached to results. You plant the seed and nurture it but also trust nature. The end result, the flower, might not be what you imagined but it is the cosmic response to your expression of divine power filtered through many layers of consciousness, many patterns of thought and behaviour stretching back many lifetimes. So, let go of the results and hope, or have faith, but you still need to accept circumstances if they do not change. Gratefulness is a great way to soften the ego and reunite the soul with the sea of universal consciousness. Not that I have found myself able to choose that path personally! Love is nothing more than the feeling we share of being the same Being, the Creator that loves everything It is and has to express. Yet, it is the most magical force in existence; the cure-all.

[Retrospective note:

“’These are life-moving type things,’ he says. ‘Some days I wake up and it wouldn’t take nothin’ for me to go, ‘POW!’ He points to an imaginary gun at his head. ‘But I wouldn’t do that because I don’t want no one to think that’s the way to go…If they keep doin’ me like that in the press, I’ma lose ‘cuz the jury gonna believe everything they been reading. If they give me a chance, I’m not just gonna walk to jail.’ He sighs. ‘My spirit would die and that’s all I got. I’d be another statistic.’ He turns upbeat. A smile creases his face. ‘I got faith in God. I don’t believe God brought me this far to crucify me like this. I believe he’s doin’ this just to make me stronger.’” – Tupac Shakur (‘This Thug’s Life’ by Kevin Powell, February 1994, VIBE magazine. Tupac Shakur. 1971-1996 by the Editors of VIBE, Plexus Publishing, London, U.K., 1997, p.31).

Nineties’ rappers Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smallz both sang about wanting to commit suicide. Their lives were that stressful. And then they suddenly ended when their lights were put out by the FBI anyway. Being a bright jewel in this world is no easy ride. These guys were right there in the heart of darkness, surrounded on all sides. The negativity made them feel suicidal, it seems, but it was also closing in on them from the outside as well, plotting to snuff them out and turn the apples sour. The Elite’s plans for the rap industry was that it would become rotten to the core. “I just wanted someone to kill me for me,” said Tupac. “You know what I mean?” He said he was suicidal all the time but couldn’t kill himself. “…rape and sodomy and guns…forcible kidnapping…charges. That’s why I wanted to die at that point. Because I was so tired. You know what I mean? But I lives and I said, ‘Well, you know, I can’t check out.’” In the song ‘So Many Tears’ (1993), he says:

I’m suicidal so don’t stand near me
My every move is a calculated step to bring me closer
To embrace an early death. Now there’s nothin’ left.]

Someone said (perhaps in a film), “If I commit suicide, I doubt if I can be condemned for ‘uncomprehending’ the incomprehensible.” We are on Earth for a purpose. Like flies, we keep finding ourselves stuck on the web of illusion, at the mercy of dark forces. This struggle is not in vain. We must wake up and realise that we are not flies buzzing around aimlessly. It is merely a dream (or nightmare) and the Self is dreaming in order to increase its consciousness of itself and its potential. A great deal of thought and planning goes into preparing us for our earthly lives. It is for this reason that suicide is not really an option, why it is a ‘sin,’ so to speak. There probably is a ‘penalty’ of some description for committing suicide (although not where it was planned prior to birth or was a natural rather than resistant withdrawal), but one which, I’m sure, is designed to help the soul to understand the importance of its growth in lesson more deeply so that one applies oneself more responsibly to the nightmare that life can be, intuiting that facing the lessons is of vital importance in the long-run. We rebels are the unruly children in the class and we do not see the teachers because they are invisible to us, but they are overseeing our growth on the Earth plane, handing out, supervising and marking our lessons carefully and precisely. For, we cannot be allowed to move on to the next class unless we can demonstrate that we have learned the lessons set for us. So, the consequences for what amounts to truancy, or sabotage, a refusal to attend the class and learn, appears to have dire consequences (although this may be largely self-inflicted as a result of the soul’s desire for growth). One may not be trusted, or deserving, of such an opportunity again for some ‘time.’ It could be like being sent to reform school where one must first learn manners and self-control and to adjust one’s behaviour and attitudes before one is ready to rejoin the mainstream education system and learn the more human lessons, as opposed to learning to rise above the purely animal level of existence. Hence, there is no transporter room (not until one attains multidimensional consciousness beyond the fourth dimension at least) or eject button!

“An Ice Cream vendor was found lying on the floor of his van, covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.” – Tommy Cooper.

From a higher perspective (than we’re used to), we appreciate this, but, when, through ignorance, the ego is allowed to protest about the pain endured on Earth, we fail to value the life experiences we have been granted or to respect the whole process of soul growth with all its many unseen threads and mechanisms. All of this is understandable. However, no individual is more important than the universe, the collective emanation of the Creator. It is for this reason that karma, the law of cause and effect, was established to discipline, strengthen and teach the individual soul, to balance and contain the freedom of will with which human beings are gifted. During a plant’s growth, it experiences many hardships, many storms and the like. It fights against the odds, its survival dependent on responding to the great power and source of life that is the Sun. So, what, human beings are expected to simply endure all the suffering that is our lot whilst having faith that it is leading us to glory and perfection at ‘sometime in the future’? Wisdom, at our low level of evolution, amounts to accepting our fate, demonstrating the patience, respect, fortitude and humility required of us as we grow in self-awareness through pain (mostly).

It is a simple fact that we in the West, with our emphasis on the individualistic ego, do not generally grasp this aspect of reality. There are rules in place to deter entities lost in the illusion of matter from spreading their disease to other planes of consciousness and having a detrimental effect on the cosmos. We need to realise, humbly, that our temporal earthy dimension of life is but one minuscule part of the collective universe and that we are on one of the lower rungs of the evolutionary ladder. But, protest we do, of course, and the more violently then deeper our ignorance. And, so, we can find ourselves stuck down a well of despair, unable to look out at the big picture, confined to the pain that has consumed our attention. And, then, life might not seem worthwhile and it can seem logical and sensible simply to end that life. I have been there many times. If you talk to a suicidal person from above the well, you cannot really expect to reach them and make them see ‘sense’ because you are standing in light and they are crouched in darkness. However, a subtle influence is conveyed. Some of that light that you are experiencing is received and does touch and lighten their soul eventually. 

Charles De Mar (Curtis Armstrong): Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.
Better Off Dead (directed by Savage Steve Holland, 1985).

I have been mostly isolated when facing such despair but then I have the knowledge that I would only have to return to Earth to go through it all again, delaying the lessons one needs to learn in order to ascend to a higher dimension in the world of spirit. Far better to get the pain and torment out of the way and move on. Those who are in touch with spirit guides are likely to understand such truths. If we throw away the opportunity to grow, then we throw away all the work and preparation that has gone into providing one with an earthy incarnation as well. We are not separate from the collective universe no matter what we might believe. Everything and everyone is bound together because, beyond these seemingly concrete physical forms we inhabit, lies the Matrix of collective consciousness into which we are plugged. And, beyond the Matrix is the inner light, the truth and reality, of the eternal Self to which we are to awaken when we are ready.

Osho was asked by one of his Sannyasin: “Beloved Osho, Most of Humanity Lives to Eat and Sleep, Work, Accumulate Power and Money, Or to Propagate Itself. Beloved Master, What Do You Live For?” Osho replied: “Milarepa, I will tell you a real historical fact: In Greece, there was a great philosopher, Xeno. He lived a long life - in those days it was really very long, because the average life in those days was not more than twenty-five years. Xeno lived ninety years. And he is a strange philosopher, unique in a sense, because his teaching is that life is meaningless; so meaningless that any man of intelligence would commit suicide, that is the only intelligent act you can do. So many of his disciples committed suicide, went on committing suicide. Ninety years long, thousands of disciples - and he was a very convincing man. What he was saying was so accurate, because ordinary life is certainly so meaningless - unless you know to change it into a divine phenomenon, it is meaningless. And he was a great logician; he argued and convinced people, and people committed suicide, young people committed suicide. When he was dying, somebody asked, ‘Xeno, one thing has always disturbed us. According to your philosophy, thousands of people have committed suicide. Why have you gone on living?’ He said, ‘It was just to teach people to commit suicide; otherwise who will do my job? I had to live.’ Milarepa, people are living absolutely meaningless lives. I also teach them a kind of suicide - not exactly the same as Xeno. I teach them a suicide in which they are reborn in a more luminous life, of a greater glory, of a divine ecstasy. I have to live because it would be absolutely unkind, knowing the path of transformation and not telling it to the people who need it.”

“Dear one, as we have mentioned before, the energy of suicide is a test for those who remain, not for the one who committed the act. Indeed, the Human Being has very strong survival instincts to keep him from doing this, but for those who do, there is no stigma of dishonour or punishment. They are not stuck, either. Most of the time this was a potential contract all along, and it prods those around them to make decisions that they would never have had to do otherwise.
                Remember, this is a test for all of you. When it's over, don't be shocked to return to this side of the veil and find that there is no punishment or reward…only a family who is appreciative of your journey, and of the energy it took to love the earth and the Universe so much, that you went through it.”

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” - Phil Donahue.

“Anyone desperate enough for suicide... should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.” - Richard Bach.

“The real reason for not committing suicide is because you always know how swell life gets again after the hell is over.” - Ernest Hemingway.

I have spent all my life resisting the desire to end it.” - Franz Kafka (Letters to Milena).

Retrospective inserts.

I am happy on the outside, but inside something gnaws at me; some presentiment, anxiety, dreams - or sleeplessness, - melancholy, indifference - desire for life, and the next instant, desire for death: some kind of sweet peace, some kind of numbness, absent-mindedness; and sometimes definite memories worry me. My mind is sour, bitter, salt; some hideous jumble of feelings shakes me! I am stupider than ever.” - Frédéric Chopin (from a letter). 

“Learn to separate the individual from the difficulty you associate with him. A person who is being difficult is in some form of a state of fear and, whether aware of it or not, is requesting help. He is seeking someone able to see beyond the hostility and to respond accordingly. It is your choice whether you drift into a state of fear. And if you do, you must understand that your own reaction is leading the communication deeper in fear.” - Betty Perkins (Lion Taming. The courage to deal with difficult people including yourself, Tzedakah Publications, CA, U.S., 1995, p.42).

“When you struggle with a difficult person, you and the other person are stuck in fear. The fear shows itself as some kind of miscommunication or a struggle for power…When someone is irritable or hostile, you can entertain such questions as ‘what fear lies behind this anger?’ and perceive it as fear needing love, sometimes in the form of taking a stand.” - Betty Perkins (Lion Taming. The courage to deal with difficult people including yourself, Tzedakah Publications, CA, U.S., 1995, p.173-174).

Dan Millman (Scott Mechlowicz): "Those who are the hardest to love, need it the most."
Way of thePeaceful Warrior (directed by Victor Salva, 2006).

“Those who are the hardest to love are the ones who teach us the most about ourselves. They reveal to us where our boundaries lie. Show us where our unconditional love falters, and becomes splintered into conditional love. Reveals our levels of judgement. Those who are the hardest to love, give us our greatest rewards. Your Question: Do they need our love the most.....? I struggle with an answer…May I just say that Love allows people to blossom and bloom.......Namaste.” – Jill E. (‘Are the hardest individuals to love the ones who need it the most?’

Compassion’ by St. Germain (channelled through Ashamarae McNamara. YouTube video posted by messagesfromwithin, 9 October 2008).

“One who is giving their power away is not asking for compassion. They’re asking for empathy...One who is asking for compassion is usually attacking you, physically, verbally. For, they’re saying in the only way they know how, ‘This part of me did not receive love or compassion. And when this part of me acted out it was chastised. And, I can see within you, you have compassion. You have this ability. I’m going to let out this beast. And it won’t be pretty. But, I know you can do it. You can do it. For, what is the use of compassion if you do not have something to be compassionate to? If something is happy-go-lucky, what is the point? If someone is smiling at the sky and the Sun, you don’t have to ask them if they feel good. It is obvious they do.
                Love yourself. Be compassionate. We’re not implying that this will be easy. Yet, we are implying that you will continue to come until you do. And, that is a creation by your own hand. Then, when someone is giving their power away, we would say the first question to ask is, ‘What is my need for power?’ To create or give it away. We know it’s a statement you don’t hope to hear. Yet, it is the truth. For, that is coming to you what you are calling forth-every time. Every time. No accidental moments. The moment you have the word, ‘You’re doing this to me,’ you are powerless. You are powerless.
                It does not imply you have to stay in any situation. Yet, ask yourself, ‘Have I loved this situation? Have I given it compassion? Or has it angered me?’ Wonderful. It has brought anger out of you. ‘Has it frustrated me? Oh, wonderful, you are frustrated. Now it has moved through the body.
                Love be the eternal key, beloveds. It will not change. Yet, love in this world must be practised. It is not an automatic response. For, you were not trained for that response. Had you lived within the Temple of Mu from birth to passing, it would have been trained to love and it would have been automatic. But, the training in this world is to train for survival, greed, need and condemnation. And, those ingredients create wonderful slaves.
                Yet, we are here assisting all of humanity out of slavery. And, what is the first ingredient to get out of slavery? We’ll give you a hint. We have been saying it all day. Yes, it is love. And love begins with who first? Yes. Self-love. How do you treat yourself? How do you treat your body? How is your environment? Does your environment say that this is love? ‘Come, look, I want to show the world.’ Your thoughts: would you like to announce all of your thoughts to the world? Oh no! Yet, as you practice - Abraham Hicks gave the most beautiful advice. Thirty seconds in one day. That’s it. If you can do more, wonderful. Yet, commit to thirty seconds of conscious thought, deliberate thought, chosen thought. And, within a month’s time, it will become more automatic to select your thought instead of being put there for you.”

As Lazaris implies, someone who inflicts suffering on another person probably wants them to feel more. They want a response, probably of compassion and unconditional love, but any emotional response, any savage connection may do since it satisfies their need to experience wholeness beyond their limited ego temporarily. They want to bypass your rational, thinking mind as well as your reason and conscious identity and tap into your being which is love. They want to bathe themselves in the fresh water of pure consciousness beyond your personality because they are too weak or scared to look inside themselves and enter the process of clearing the reflection. They don’t like what they see so they do not look in the mirror. They prefer to smash your mirror, to basically murder you or sacrifice you for the sake of their longing to feel wholeness even for a moment. It is irrelevant if all of this is unrealistic and the outcome is not what they want it to be because they still derive some of the energy of wholeness through the process while they believe, albeit unconsciously, in this illusion. It is probably the dark unconscious in one person seeking that which exists somewhere in the other person but it is an addiction to the negative power of chaos. And that has no energy of its own so one becomes a vampire feeding off others, always needing to drink, to hunt the helpless and prey upon the powerless. They want you to be as a newborn child again. They reject and want to destroy your adult personality which denies them the love, peace and happiness that they are denying themselves. They want to clear all your blockages and cut through your defences so that you are helpless and open up to share the sweet fruit of your soul, the love juice within you.

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” - Sonya Friedman.

If you were a ripened fruit, of course, you would not resist. You would willingly open up and share your natural sweetness with all and sundry whether they demanded it brutally or did not know or care if they needed your unconditional love and compassion, respect and acceptance, for all that they are inside and out, warts and all. Me, I am such a rebel by nature that if anyone imposes themselves on me as a misuse of power in order to take energy, love, attention or anything else from me (and others) I react from my core which is evidently rooted in past life experiences. It seems so intrinsic to my whole being to respond to people only if it is my choice, only if it is in alignment with my truth. No doubt, I should probably be open to everyone and this blockage, which also reinforces my independence and originality, separates me from others. It relates to my Aquarian Ascendant. I think that people who are likely to behave in this demanding way are likely to view me as aloof and superior, as not giving them the love, respect and admiration they desire or feel they deserve from others and have every right to expect it from everyone. They want to be important and they need confirmation through others because they lack true self-esteem.

My lesson here is detachment: to remain open, to feel, to actively love and to respond to their deeper need to love themselves more, to be love. Perhaps it wouldn’t do any harm to give some of what they want, even though their craving and demanding in the most annoying, grating way disgusts me. For me, that would be stepping above my own truth to the level of universal truth, centring myself in the truth of love as opposed to the love of truth. And I would only maintain my integrity if this perspective was experienced. Yet, it would take practice and the first step is to feel love more throughout the day and let love be my guide and teacher. Then, personally, I believe that as long as one feels love, the vibration affects others and one should simply be natural and spontaneous. Get the centre right and then everything takes care of itself. Easier said than done of course but, hey, we’re just hypothesising here! As I now also like to say, however, ‘Truth is winning and love will win!’

“Let us take a moment for a word about kindness: having some spiritual knowledge, can you be sure that you weigh your words carefully? Do you consider the feelings of your brethren when you speak and act, not only in the big things of life, but in everyday conversation? Kindness must be spontaneous, the lips must be controlled by kindness, and always the thought, ‘Will it hurt?’ should be foremost. We can be cruel without knowing; without meaning to be cruel. Jesus said that cruelty was a great sin. If we are cruel in little things, can we wonder at the great outside world being savage and cruel?” - White Eagle (The Light Bringer. The Ray of John and the Age of Intuition, channelled through Grace Cooke, The White Eagle Publishing Trust, Hants., U.K., 2001, p.114-115).

“Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.” - Rabbi Julins Gordo.

If it is not truthful and not helpful, don't say it.
If it is truthful and not helpful, don't say it.
If it is not truthful and helpful, don't say it
If it is both truthful and helpful, wait for the right time.
- Buddha.

Osho said he wanted to give something to his sannyasins on his birthday and was reminded of a saying of Buddha: sabba danam dhamma danana jnati - the gift of truth excels all other gifts.” He added: “And my truth is love.” [See Appendix III: ‘A BirthdayMessage by Osho’]. Then, again, love and truth are ultimately one. For, when we have real self-love, we love the truth and follow our calling to be and express all that we can be as the following message indicates:

"What is important to understand, is that your ability to master the physical realms, to step fully into your roles as co-creators, depends solely on your activated love-quotient. Which essentially means that your ability to remain true to your inner calling, and to design the world that you have envisioned for yourselves is wholly contingent upon the condition of, the strength of, the connection of...your heart. Take not these words as indications of niceties, that is to say, love is not the application of those things generally regarded as ‘pleasant’…LOVE is an indication of, the reflection of, your internal connection to…TRUTH…the merging of the lower self with the higher self which becomes the internal and external representation of All That Is." - Seven Sisters (channelled through Lauren C. Gorgo, ‘LOVE takes the Lead: the return of feminine power,‘ 11 July 2011,

I have never asked for love from anyone in any way I don’t think and I have not been very open to being loved which is something I need to address as well. It places me diametrically opposite to those who demand love. So, I guess this is probably the reason why I feel so extremely reviled by anyone who does anything for love and/or attention. Anyway, I do and I react. I definitely don’t give the love I usually would. It is an instinctive act of rebellion - from one Inner Child to another. I guess you could say that I can be fairly conservative when it comes to actually showing love, to responding fully or giving my full attention. I feel deeply and I am slow to warm up. It takes me a while to relax and trust, to open up. And, truthfully, people do not generally interest me unless I feel some affinity with them and that does not happen too often.

I mentioned this issue to a friend and she responded: ‘If you haven't allowed yourself to open and receive love, or ask for it in any way, then yes, I can see how this repressed bit of yourself that would love to be able to do so is going to think, 'That's not allowed' when it sees that happening in others: that's its own personal rule. (It may also think it sees it happening in others when it isn't - it will be very sensitive to it). It will go on judging/attacking it in others until you release your judgements on this (potential or past) behaviour in yourself...this is the rule of projection).’ Referring me to a chapter on forgiveness in The Way of Mastery (by Jeshua channelled through Jayem, Heartfelt Publishing, 1997,, she went on to suggest the need to ‘forgive something in yourself when you see it happening 'out there' - there being no real 'out there' as we are all one!’

My reply included this: ‘Well, not just 'that's not allowed' - in my experience, the way such people demand love and attention tends to be very annoying! So that is what I mean. I find this subject interesting: yes, clearly it is, like many things, a judgement of something happening. Equally, however, it is a righteous statement of truth that something is annoying and life would be easier without its interference. And on the crazy train as I call it nowadays from where I live into town there are countless people listening to personal stereos at varying volumes and talking on mobiles. Some are selfish and some civilised, some are discreet some are LOUD and trash the peace of mind of every passenger in the carriage...some know what they are doing and are doing it for a reason (they want love/attention) and some are oblivious to others' need for space and silence...some have good taste while the noisy ones often like violent rap tunes/lyrics. As for forgiving myself when someone is talking in their mobile right next to me on a crowded train...hmmm.’

My soul is hiding and it is distant. I have been guilty of not giving it enough attention, of not trusting my emotions, not reaching out to people, not acknowledging my need for people emotionally. It is very much like the enemy ego approaching my castle in a threatening manner (loud or aggressive) with the intention of breaking down my defences, subduing my will and bypassing my ego, in order to steal my treasure, rape and pillage my soul and take whatever love they can find or force out of me. It’s kind of like, ‘If you don’t give it to me willingly I’ll come and take it’ and perhaps most people are weak or fearful enough to simply yield. The bully settles for fear if love and respect are not available which they are not to a bully of course. I myself have been sensitive, weak and therefore fearful on the outside. Yet, I have also been confident, strong-willed and powerful on the inside, as well as very loving. So, of course, even if the bully succeeds in overpowering me I do not have an endless supply of unconditional love that says, ‘Sure, take what you want!’ I resent and resist and I will not surrender my will though that might be the very thing that limits my power since it keeps me firmly attached to my ego and constructs a dam that keeps my feelings from flowing fully. If I was continuously aware of myself as divine abundance, as love, peace, joy and happiness, then perhaps I would smile and know that what I have and what I am is more precious than my beliefs or principles even, or my comfort and quality of life. And, perhaps, like the Sun, I would simply shine all the time, to all equally, because it is my true nature to do so. I might be more loving towards myself first and foremost and extend that Light to the love within other people that they may love themselves too and know the love of their eternal Being. Naturally, for this to happen, there needs to be a distinct absence of clouds - emotional blockages - in the sky. Moreover, sensitivity must be combined with inner strength and that must be developed through life’s challenges I guess.

“Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look.” - Marcus Aurelius (Meditations).

“In order to be ‘light’ in the New Energy - you must have recognised and come to terms with both your own shadow energy and that of the human collective. And this recognition should be accompanied by a deep compassion and love. Owning your own shadow will allow you to understand why there is so much fear in the world, and also to understand how holding your own shadow in balance can help to heal and shift that fear. Every individual that opens their heart to compassion and moves beyond fear helps to heal the greater consciousness of humanity. And once you live beyond fear, you can live in the eternal present. And truly experience the power of the ‘Now’ moment. You will flow and change with the greater flows.” - Celia Fenn (‘Becoming Light(er): Your Crystal Body and the New Energies,’

It's all an illusion and deep down beyond it all is only the reality of eternal joy.

PLAY: ‘Just a Thought’ by Gnarls Barkley (the B-side of ‘Crazy,’ 2006) which says he’s “tried everything but suicide.” But, as the title suggests, it’s ‘just a thought;’ that is, it has ‘crossed his mind’ during times of depression but it’s not something he would actually go ahead and do. Cuz, maybe, that would be ‘crazy’ after all!

“When you allow yourself your humanness with gratitude and openness, the emotional charge (which is another word for judgement) falls away from things like fear, upset, discomfort, shame and anger. And so these things no longer hold power over you, and that is when the extreme polarities, i.e. highs and lows, ups and downs, begin to fall away.” - Elizabeth Anne Hill.

A cartoon in Punch by Banx depicts two lines of sheep, side-by-side, blindly following each other and falling over the edge of a cliff. They pass a tree whereupon another sheep has hung himself from a branch. One sheep says, ’I thought Norman had been looking a bit depressed lately.’ (Punch. All Creatures Great and Small, Edited by Helen Walasek, Prion, London, U.K., 2009, p.25). It’s funny because the irony is paralleled in human beings. The people who comment on those who ‘lose their way,’ or go off on a tangent from the masses, and who may end up committing suicide, are on a suicidal mission themselves. They just can’t see it because they’re going along with the crowd and from there everything feels comfortable and secure. It all seems to be going well because they’re remaining asleep. They judge their lives according to others and feel that providing they go along with the consensus they have nothing to fear and must be doing OK and have life sussed! They’re sleepwalking to their deaths, living lives with hardly any conscious thought and without questioning the status quo.

“We immortals do not like things to be taken seriously. We like joking. Seriousness, young man, is an accident of time. It consists of putting too high a value on time. In eternity, however, there is no time, you see. Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.” - Goethe in Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse (1927).

Foot note

1. Jennifer Hoffman has written a three-part article titled ‘Indigos and Suicide’ which is included on this web page:

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