Wednesday, 30 September 2015

My heart is broken

I don't believe anybody can describe the pain I'm feeling. I'm waking up to a nightmare each morning. I can't really cope with this pain even though it's much less intense than the first day (I never imagined it possible to endure that much pain). I feel like the walking dead, enduring eternal damnation (for my sins in past lifetimes no doubt).

Doing whatever I can to numb the pain. There's nothing to take my mind off it because I no longer care about anything much. Working is the last thing I want to do since it does nothing to engage more positive emotions. But life goes on. Unfortunately.

Pain forces us to feel more. And pain of this intensity does not allow one's heart to close as it usually does in response to pain. It's a hole in the heart, a gaping crack, and all you can do is feel the pain and hope that, through surrender, you will one day feel the love that's also there more powerfully than the pain. Or break through to the other side where inner peace can be felt. It's a total eclipse of the heart is what it is.

If cupid's arrow has your name on it there's no way of avoiding it, for good or ill.

I don't want to go into it any deeper than this. I just thought I'd share these thoughts here.

The Dangers of Staying in Bed by Philippe Halsman, 1946

Update (same day): I have since learned that she is my twin flame, not a soul mate, and came to break my heart but may also return at some point. And the reason is for the very sentiments expressed above. Namely, that this experience is meant to make me feel more, to feel through it until it's released. I feel so much better for a cry and a hug with a wise friend who helped me to understand what this is all about, as she's gone through the same thing herself.

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