(A workshop in San Francisco)

With Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Part 3: Empathically Hearing Others

“There’s only two things that human beings are ever saying: please and thank you. That’s all human beings ever say. The only thing is jackal-speaking people have learned to say please in a suicidal way. Think about that for a moment. What are human beings ever saying except,’ Please – you’re behaving in a way that isn’t meeting my needs’ or ‘my needs are not getting met by something else, will you please do this to meet my needs?’ We need to know how to say that well to survive in the world. When our needs are not getting met we need to know how to say ‘please’ in a way that makes it enjoyable for people to give it to us.”

“With giraffe ears all you can hear are feelings and needs. You can hear no criticism.”

“Do not hear thoughts. Only use the thoughts as a window. Look through the thoughts to the needs that are behind. Hear the needs behind. It’ll be a whole different world. Don’t hear thoughts.”

[i.e. you hear the positive message: ‘please, please, please’]

“It demonstrates that you value what’s alive in that person, that you’re taking th time to try to connect with what’s alive in that person. When people trust that that’s what has interested you already we can solve anything. What makes it hard to resolve things is when people feel the other person is only interested in winning. They don’t care about me. They’re just out to show me I shouldn’t do this.”

“Never hear what a jackal-speaking person thinks. You’ll live longer…Do not hear what the person thought. Whatever thoughts they express, never hear what a jackal-speaking person thinks, especially what they think about you. So we’ll show you other options than that. We’ll show you never to hear a criticism…”

“That’s how I would say ‘bullshit’ in giraffe. Giraffes are not nice. See, much of, I think, the violence in the world is created by nice people. So, don’t mistake the word ‘non-violence’ as being nice.”

[You can only hear the person’s heart with giraffe ears, he says. “And you don’t need to say it out loud. You can do it silently.”]

“You’ll show that your attention is here [in the other person’s heart] by your eyes because when we’re hearing what is in a person’s heart, our eyes are different than when we’re hearing their criticism. Or when were making the criticism. Our eyes – it’s not subtle.”

The jackal: “I need reassurance that if you’re there you’re doing it for you and not for me. You see. They want to be sure that if you’re giving you’re giving out of self-fullness, not selflessness.”

[Don’t do it if you’re not 100%].

“I would suggest you heed Joseph Campbell’s advice when he, having studied all the basic myths of the world and the basic religions concludes that if there’s one wise thing that seems present in all the basic religions it’s this: Don’t do anything that isn’t play. Yes, don’t do anything that isn’t play. And it’ll be play if you’re meeting your own needs. So don’t do things for other people.”

[The issue/general fear for a jackal is really feeling that their needs matter to others. “Just takes empathy. But there’s a lot of pain in there to get through before she can hear your sadness that their needs aren’t being met.” “Empathic connection before education.”]

“And the solution will find us when the connection is made: when the connection is there the conflicts usually resolve themselves.”

“There’s plenty of resources for getting everybody’s needs met. But we lose that when we get up into our head and start to analyse wrongness…It’s not necessary to compromise. Everybody’s needs can get met. Nobody has to give in. nobody has to give anything up.”

“Don’t hear it. Don’t even hear expectations. Hear what the need is.”

[You don’t have to meet their need – there are 7 billion other people out there who can do that].

“The other person can hear a ‘no’ if they first hear empathy for their feelings and needs. That will leave them feeling at least that their feelings and needs matter. But, then again, you’d have to learn how to say ‘no’ in giraffe…Never use the following words when you’re saying ‘no’ in giraffe: no, I can’t, I don’t want to, I don’t have time, it’s not possible.’”

“Hear the need behind the ‘no’ – find out what the need is that prevents them from saying ‘yes.’”

“All no’s are tragic expressions of a need. So say the need that keeps you from saying ‘yes.’ Don’t say no.”

[We never tell them what they’re feeling but:]

“See we never say ‘you’re feeling.’ We always say, ‘Are you feeling?’ We may be wrong but we’re trying to get clear what’s going on in this person. Are you feeling afraid and need to protect yourself?”

“Try to hear the feelings and needs without you.” [Take/leave yourself out of it].

“I’m saying that the purpose of this process is to get everybody’s needs met, and that the needs are met by people giving willingly, not out of any coercive motivation. And I’m saying that, when you say ‘no,’ it gets in the way f the likelihood that everyone’s needs are going to end up getting met.”

“It’s important that I not think that her reaction was because of what I said. If I expressed my feelings and needs it would be impossible for a person to react this way if they heard it. they would have gotten a gift. They would have the eyes of a little child getting a gift from Santa Claus.”

“If you want to have people understand you differently, never tell them, ‘You’re misunderstanding me.’ Never say, ‘That isn’t what I said.’ Say, ‘thank you for telling me that’s what you heard. I can see I didn’t make myself clear. I’d like to try again…”

[It’s easy to get empathy from a jackal – if they don’t hear what you are really saying, keep asking them what they heard you say, and say it again in a different way. ‘Three ear pulls and I got it.’ And there are some eight-pull jackals out there too though.]

[That precious connection does the healing, not your advice, etc.]

I interrupt when they talk about the past because we don’t heal by talking about the past. We heal by talking about what is alive in us right now. We’re stimulated by what’s in the past but it’s what’s here now. And when I connect at that level they won’t keep talking about it. They’ll heal.”

“Just be present, not trying to fix things and when that happens there’s a very precious connection. That’s what I mean by enjoying it.”

[Someone else can’t cause our emotional pain. Emotional reaction: that part is up to us. It’s not the stimulus because different people react in different ways to the same events. Creating pain on top of pain by how one looks at it.]

Giraffe Gratitude

1. “So that’s the first thing we need to say in appreciation. We need to bring to the person’s attention concretely what they did that made life more wonderful for them.”

2. “Second, at the moment we’re giving the gratitude, to say how we feel at that moment about the person having done that.”

3. “What need of yours was fulfilled by my saying what I did that leaves you feeling hopeful and relieved? And that’s the third thing we need to see in a giraffe gratitude.”

[And it’s also important how we receive gratitude.]

“If you want to terrorise a jackal, express love or appreciation.” [Sincere gratitude or love makes them nervous and scared.]

“See, jackals have this dangerous concept in their heads: deserve. It’s a very violent concept. Se, it implies you have to deserve appreciation…See, the concept of deserve is a key ingredient in a violent way of life. If you believe in deserve, you think certain things are worth things, and you’ll set up a very destructive correctional system. A very dangerous concept.

The main reason that I believe gratitude is so scary for many of us to receive is beautifully and poetically written in A Course of Miracles where they say it’s our light, not our darkness, that scares us the most. See, having been educated in this jackal way to hate ourselves, to think there’s something wrong with us, it’s a big jump to really see what I was saying, that we have enormous power to make life wonderful. And there’s nothing we enjoy doing more than exercising that power. That’s unfortunately a pretty big jump for us to come to but we can come to it. So that’s how we say gratitude: observation, feeling and need. Same literacy. Make sure it’s coming from the heart to celebrate and revel to praise, compliment, reward.”

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