“There are two ways of attaining an important end - force and perseverance.
Force falls to the lot only of the privileged few, but austere and sustained
perseverance can be practised by the most insignificant. Its silent power grows
irresistible with time.” - Madame Anne Sophie Swetchine.
Bully Busting. How To Help Children Deal With Teasing and Bullying
Secret 1: Deal with your feelings.
[Don’t deny your feelings or try to forget, dismiss or dump them. They don’t go away, so you are better off being conscious of them and expressing them rather than leaving them buried in your unconscious where they can fester and take on a life of their own and rival your conscious identity. They are part of you. Pain needs to be confronted, not “denied or sublimated.”]
p.88-89. As time goes on, the pain diminishes, life slowly begins to renew itself and the bad moments become less frequent.
It is very important to identify what we are feeling at every moment. If children are unable to express their feelings, they will feel powerless. They will either be paralysed and overwhelmed by feelings of fear or they will become extremely angry. They will either do nothing to protect themselves or they will exacerbate the situation by aggressively expressing their anger.
Victims of bullying need to express their feelings, especially their fear and anger, or they will be unable to deal constructively with the bullying. Dealing with our feelings mobilises us to action.
...the fight/flight instinct: when our survival is threatened, we either run or fight. Becoming anxious and worried, or angry and frustrated, are basic survival instincts. Our survival instincts are our inner sensors; they alert us to danger or trouble...It is impossible to expect a traumatised child to deal with bullying when they are feeling very upset, angry or powerless. Hormones such as adrenalin, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into their bloodstream, affecting their emotional and cognitive behaviour. These hormones incapacitate the child and either they freeze or they react.
...As already mentioned, bullies, like animals, sense fear and frustration. When a bully cannot smell fear or sense powerlessness, he or she is more likely to back away. Bullies instinctively identify who will be an easy target. If your child allows their negative feelings to build up inside, they will become tense, vulnerable and upset, and therefore prove a perfect target for the bully. Remember that a tight string on a guitar makes more noise than a slack one.
p.95. There are three ways in which we can express our feelings. We probably use all three types at various times. People who are assertive use their power, people who are aggressive abuse their power and people who are passive lose their power. Victims of bullying tend to be more passive although sometimes they may appear aggressive because they ‘bottle and then burst.’ This results in their behaving aggressively at home or provocatively at school. Although some children are able to fight back, or indulge in payback, unfortunately most suffer in shame and silence.
p.99. The child with too much anger becomes aggressive and provocative because they hide their fear inside; the child with too much fear becomes passive and stuck, though even they can let their fear out in a burst of anger.
[Those who express their feelings passively, says Field, underestimate the effect that the bullying is having on them.]
p.101. [Among other things, assertive children, she says, “...are able to protect themselves, without being disrespectful, destructive or hurtful...”]
- When it is difficult to confront the child concerned, they are able to ask for help.
- Assertive children act with a self-respect and confidence, realising that they have to take risks and stand up for themselves.
- They understand that being assertive is like using a protective emotional sunscreen. By knowing how to deal with their feelings, they develop an awareness of power and ow to use it effectively.
- Assertive children obtain the results they want.
Children who behave in an assertive manner use their power. They create a win-win situation where no-one is a loser.
p.102. Assertive behaviours: Stands up for themselves in a pleasant manner. Takes risks and says what they think, feel and want when safe. Seeks help. Stands straight. Uses strong eye contact, confident body language, a clear voice. Adopts a neutral look. Appears calm and in control.
p.104-105. The very best way to express our feelings is to tell the person concerned how we feel about hat has happened. This helps release our emotional discomfort, and the feedback quickly informs us whether or not the person cares or doesn’t care about what we are feeling. [But, says Field, it can be dangerous to tell the bully you don’t like what they’re doing. If they don’t care, that could be “just what the bully wants to hear. And there is a possibility that the bully will become more of a threat when your child shares their distress.” The next best thing is to tell someone else or speak to the police - at the time - if necessary in extreme cases.]
p.107. [Verbal tricks, like singing loudly, release pent up feelings and neutralise the impact of the bio-chemical hormones causing their pain. If not, when they are feeling angry, the bully will observe the change in their body and sense their fear.”]
p.107-108. Effective strategies provide an antidote for painful feelings. When children laugh at a funny movie or go for a long run, they automatically feel better. When they do something physical, it creates a bio-chemical change in their body and it is impossible for them to feel as bad as they did.
[Practising self-defence techniques, listening to loud music, dancing energetically, hitting a punchbag, going for a walk, watching funny videos...just doing something that relaxes the body helps to release anger, stress and anxiety. Use a variety of techniques and practice them regularly. I practice tai chi and meditation each day which helps, of course. One needs to release the feelings before one can regain control and deal with the bully. If children are distraught - angry or worried - they need to do something five times a day “because their bodies are producing a lot of painful hormones.” (p.112).]
Secret 2: Understand why you are bullied.
p.117. Clearly there are reasons why your child is being bullied: probably a number of negative programs have been implanted in their brains over the years, and now is the time to get rid of these old discs and replace them with new ones containing positive coping skills.
p. 126. The best victim is one who doesn’t complain...Some react like real victims of crime and become paralysed. This means that their brain is probably releasing too much adrenalin or noradrenalin. Many victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence find it extremely difficult to report the abuse when it occurs.
Secret 3: Build your self-esteem.
p.137. The way people treat us is a reflection of the way we feel inside about ourselves. A child who has low self-esteem feels bad about who they are. It is as though they have a bully living inside of them. Children with poor self-esteem invite the bully to relate to them I the same negative manner in which they relate to themselves. Bullies are basically lazy. They copy others. It is very easy to be bossed or bullied if one doesn’t respect oneself.
...They feel bad about themselves. The observant bully will notice that they have reacted to this tease and not to other insults, taunts or comments, and can use it to pick on the child. This makes the bully happy because he has found an easy target.
Any child is bullied suffers damage to their self-esteem and confidence.
p.137-138. The self-esteem bank: Self-esteem is like money in the bank. If we regularly deposit funds in our bank account, there is money there to draw out when necessary. If we don’t, there will not be enough and we will find ourselves in the ‘red.’ We may become embarrassed by this, especially if we receive a nasty letter from the bank. Everyone has their ups and downs. If our self-esteem bank is in credit, we can use some of it to help us cope with difficult experiences. Children with positive self-esteem now that things will eventually turn out in their favour. They will laugh if someone hits a sensitive spot, and just say ‘big deal’ to themselves.
[Boost your self-esteem and confidence: what makes you feel confident, successful and powerful?]
p.138. If a bully is using them to gain popularity or to release their frustrations, the positive child is able to realise this. They can then decide on the most appropriate course of action for dealing with the bully.
p.156. [The bully may have either the right or wrong opinion of you. It might be possible to “work out how [you] can change the bully’s way of viewing [you].” Then again, if you are strong, or independent, not in a position to do that or don’t see why you should care what others think about you, you might have to endure their ignorant behaviour for the duration that you share the same environment. In the meantime, you might be wise to develop strategies for coping and winning! Essentially, ignorant people are those who remain subconscious creatures who are dependent on a corner of the collective world to which they want everyone else to conform for fear that they might become more conscious. They might actually grow as individuals. This change would require pain and a completely different outlook on life and people.
Secret 4: Become a confident communicator.
p.160. The bulk of successful communication is nonverbal. Only a small percentage involves words. The appropriate verbal and nonverbal communication skills give children the power to behave in an assertive manner.
Children who have effective communication skills are able to protect themselves from more aggressive peers.
p.161. Most people tend to judge other people in the first four seconds! This is another part of our survival instinct in action...Even if they are not feeling confident, they have to behave as though they are. It is like being prepared to do battle...Ultimately, we all need to project a confident image.
p.161-162. Fake it till you make it, or act ‘as if’: ...People who achieve are constantly reaching beyond their comfort zone, and establishing higher and higher goals. Each time they achieve their goal, they find another one to pursue. This means that they are always extending themselves, learning new skills and operating in areas in which they are unsure of their chances of success. Confidence is the last thing that most people talk about when contemplating a challenge. They use optimism and persistence instead.
Confidence occurs when we know how to achieve and there is little likelihood of anything going wrong. However, this is not as simple as it sounds.
p.162. Gaining confidence is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is as elusive as looking for happiness. There is no use telling your child to wait until they are hit by a flash of confidence. Instead, tell them that once they begin they will fid it, sometimes trailing somewhere behind them, sometimes lagging a long way behind their shadow.
Confidence is a luxury few people possess. Children need to know how to behave as if they have confidence and positive self-esteem. As long as they have released their fear and anger and can pretend to look confident, they will fool the bully. (Don’t forget that bullies aren’t generally very alert or aware). Help your child pretend, act ‘as if,’ or ‘fake it till they make it.’ Tell them to behave like a video-camera and project a positive image. Once they begin to practice, although it may feel uncomfortable or strange at first, like learning any new skill or task, they will eventually learn to do it naturally.
p.163. Don’t be scared, be prepared: Your child can play the role of a confident child by utilising appropriate communication skills. If your child is going to relate differently to the bully, they have to change how they walk, stand and talk while the bully is near.
p.168. When dealing with bullies, it is very important for a child to smile (when appropriate), to look relaxed and to be reasonably happy. Besides, smiling brings more blood to the brain and helps us think and feel better. The smile is very important. Help your child practise smiling on a daily basis so that they will eventually do it properly and automatically.
p.168-169. While it is acceptable, indeed necessary, to display our thoughts and feelings on our face to communicate well, when a child has to confront a bully they must display a pleasant, blank face. If your child ‘puts on’ this kind of face, the bully won’t be able to guess what they are feeling inside. It is actually none of the bully’s business what your child is really feeling...They just have to put on a pleasant, neutral mask or behave as though they are in a trance and look ‘spaced out.’
p.170. A frightened animal advertises their fear by heir nervous or frenzied manner. Animals who are not afraid are in control. They appear more relaxed and tend to move steadily.
Bullies notice the way in which children regulate their body movements, so a child who is a victim will probably need to change the way they coordinate their movements. Tell your child to ‘let their body do some of the talking.’
p.170-171. The only way we can look confident and relaxed is by standing or sitting straight, but not rigid like a soldier. We need to appear supple, like an athlete or a dancer.
A child who looks like a scared dog or a limp rag doll makes an excellent victim. Those who have had bad experiences with being bullied are often very tense. They don’t breathe deeply, and their posture looks like limp celery.
[Stand tall and proud, feet firmly rooted to the ground, head held high as if there is a cord pulling the crown up - the golden thread in Chinese internal martial arts. Don’t waste movements. Don’t be rigid because this blocks energy just as the saggy, depressed look wastes energy. Correct posture assists energy and blood flow. It is strengthening and energising so one is more alert and able to deal with intimidating situations - as well as spring into effective physical action if necessary, in the case of martial arts. Correct posture and breathing make us more proactive and conscious, assisting clear intent.]
p.174. When we are relaxed, we breathe deeply and slowly. When we are scared or angry, our breathing is shallow and the pattern of our breathing is irregular. Bullies, like dogs, unconsciously pick up the pattern of a child’s breathing, and act. At a conscious level, they might even see the child breathe quickly and become breathless.
p.174. Let’s visualise!: Breathe deeply and try to lower your breathing to your centre. For most people this is around the navel. Continue breathing and imagine that there is a great pool of energy flowing from your centre. Visualise the energy expanding and increasing. Feel the energy as it rises, like water from a spring. Feel it flow through your body and down through your legs, then out through your head and out through your fingertips. Now imagine that it is flowing outside your body, creating a wall of energy all around you. Don’t be distracted by the bully. Just allow the ‘energy wall’ to protect you.
p.175. Bullies, as we know, like to throw their weight around. They often send out vibes from their body which hurt children and force them to bend to their power. If they are using threatening body language, a child should stand up straight and look them in the eye. If the bully is speaking in a loud voice, talking quietly won’t stop them. Encourage your child to become just as loud and noisy. If they are joking and laughing, your child should copy them; if they look casual, they should do the same. Once they have copied the bully’s behaviour successfully, they can then begin to reduce their energy level to a more comfortable one. Bullies will often follow their example and reduce theirs.
[It’s all about energy and polarity. Bullies rely on force to intimidate and weaken, so one needs to respond, not with force, but with power, with positive energy that shifts the polarisation and tips the scales the other way.]
p.176. The voice is a very powerful means of communication. It establishes credibility. Just as accents and dialects immediately identify our origins, so does the mumbling voice of the victim announce their powerlessness.
p.176. Trust your inner voice.
p.176. Say it like you mean it. [Otherwise, the bully will know instantly that what you are saying is irrelevant.]
p.177. Be calm and casual.
p.177. Speak from the gut. [Say what you think, feel and want; express yourself. Use assertive language.]
p.178. What this way of communicating does is make the listener totally accountable to us.
p.178. Don’t be nice, be real. [“Recognise the difference between just talking and relating” - that “talking to another child is not the same as talking with that child...Relating involves sharing one’s feelings and having one’s feelings heard and acknowledged. If your child can begin to relate well, they will begin showing real interest in other children, instead of always thinking about what they are feeling. This is the only way to make real friends.”]
p.179. Children need to identify what they are feeling. They can then decide whether to share this with the bully or with those who are important to them at home or at school. This is not an easy task, and even adults find it almost impossible. It is a herculean task for shy, sensitive children.
p.184. Be polite: It is easy for a child who is upset to become rude or aggressive. This is like waving a red flag at a bull. It shows the bully that he has scored a hit by hurting the child’s feelings.
Your child should always appear polite and respectful so that they do not reveal their vulnerable spots. In addition to using words that attract caring, loving friends, they also need to learn words, statements and questions that are assertive and protect them. Children who are angry and upset usually react with anger or withdraw into their shell. Either way, a chain reaction is established and this makes everything worse. The secret is to respond wisely instead of reacting with frustration.
p.185. Bully: You’re a real fucking bastard.
Your reply: Thank you for training me to protect myself.
[Learn to “separate caring people from cruel people.”]
Secret 5: Create your own power pack.
p.190. The main aims of this chapter are to help your child become desensitised by dealing with their pain, especially their anger and fear, and to teach them how to respond powerfully, not retaliate. Show them that this can be a game, and amuse and motivate them with some of the ideas provided. Remind them that bullies love secrecy and hate publicity.
p.192. Respond - don’t react or retaliate: [because any form of reaction “provides pure entertainment for the bully.”]
p.194. [Change your behaviour by changing your state of mind in order to direct the bully-victim game (and win it)].
One strategy you can use is to do the unexpected. This is called a ‘stuck state buster.’ If you use this approach, the game will change and the bully will notice that you are doing something different. They may be surprised, but they have to change their behaviour. If the bully is being nasty, instead of becoming upset, you could scratch yourself all over, cough all over them, stare at them as though in a trance, sing or shout loudly, give them a compliment, pretend to vomit close to them, or offer them something to eat like a very hard, chewy toffee that jams their jaws closed. If the bully is just making fun in a more lighthearted fashion, you could laugh very loudly and dramatically with them.
p.196. [When a bully criticises you, if you are rational about it then their words can’t affect you emotionally because they have been filtered by your mind and reflected as simply untrue and meaningless.]
p.213. It doesn’t matter whether people bully you physically or verbally, you can give away your power and let them hurt you, or you can keep it for yourself. The choice is yours.
[Don’t deny your feelings or try to forget, dismiss or dump them. They don’t go away, so you are better off being conscious of them and expressing them rather than leaving them buried in your unconscious where they can fester and take on a life of their own and rival your conscious identity. They are part of you. Pain needs to be confronted, not “denied or sublimated.”]
p.88-89. As time goes on, the pain diminishes, life slowly begins to renew itself and the bad moments become less frequent.
It is very important to identify what we are feeling at every moment. If children are unable to express their feelings, they will feel powerless. They will either be paralysed and overwhelmed by feelings of fear or they will become extremely angry. They will either do nothing to protect themselves or they will exacerbate the situation by aggressively expressing their anger.
Victims of bullying need to express their feelings, especially their fear and anger, or they will be unable to deal constructively with the bullying. Dealing with our feelings mobilises us to action.
...the fight/flight instinct: when our survival is threatened, we either run or fight. Becoming anxious and worried, or angry and frustrated, are basic survival instincts. Our survival instincts are our inner sensors; they alert us to danger or trouble...It is impossible to expect a traumatised child to deal with bullying when they are feeling very upset, angry or powerless. Hormones such as adrenalin, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into their bloodstream, affecting their emotional and cognitive behaviour. These hormones incapacitate the child and either they freeze or they react.
...As already mentioned, bullies, like animals, sense fear and frustration. When a bully cannot smell fear or sense powerlessness, he or she is more likely to back away. Bullies instinctively identify who will be an easy target. If your child allows their negative feelings to build up inside, they will become tense, vulnerable and upset, and therefore prove a perfect target for the bully. Remember that a tight string on a guitar makes more noise than a slack one.
p.95. There are three ways in which we can express our feelings. We probably use all three types at various times. People who are assertive use their power, people who are aggressive abuse their power and people who are passive lose their power. Victims of bullying tend to be more passive although sometimes they may appear aggressive because they ‘bottle and then burst.’ This results in their behaving aggressively at home or provocatively at school. Although some children are able to fight back, or indulge in payback, unfortunately most suffer in shame and silence.
p.99. The child with too much anger becomes aggressive and provocative because they hide their fear inside; the child with too much fear becomes passive and stuck, though even they can let their fear out in a burst of anger.
[Those who express their feelings passively, says Field, underestimate the effect that the bullying is having on them.]
p.101. [Among other things, assertive children, she says, “...are able to protect themselves, without being disrespectful, destructive or hurtful...”]
- When it is difficult to confront the child concerned, they are able to ask for help.
- Assertive children act with a self-respect and confidence, realising that they have to take risks and stand up for themselves.
- They understand that being assertive is like using a protective emotional sunscreen. By knowing how to deal with their feelings, they develop an awareness of power and ow to use it effectively.
- Assertive children obtain the results they want.
Children who behave in an assertive manner use their power. They create a win-win situation where no-one is a loser.
p.102. Assertive behaviours: Stands up for themselves in a pleasant manner. Takes risks and says what they think, feel and want when safe. Seeks help. Stands straight. Uses strong eye contact, confident body language, a clear voice. Adopts a neutral look. Appears calm and in control.
p.104-105. The very best way to express our feelings is to tell the person concerned how we feel about hat has happened. This helps release our emotional discomfort, and the feedback quickly informs us whether or not the person cares or doesn’t care about what we are feeling. [But, says Field, it can be dangerous to tell the bully you don’t like what they’re doing. If they don’t care, that could be “just what the bully wants to hear. And there is a possibility that the bully will become more of a threat when your child shares their distress.” The next best thing is to tell someone else or speak to the police - at the time - if necessary in extreme cases.]
p.107. [Verbal tricks, like singing loudly, release pent up feelings and neutralise the impact of the bio-chemical hormones causing their pain. If not, when they are feeling angry, the bully will observe the change in their body and sense their fear.”]
p.107-108. Effective strategies provide an antidote for painful feelings. When children laugh at a funny movie or go for a long run, they automatically feel better. When they do something physical, it creates a bio-chemical change in their body and it is impossible for them to feel as bad as they did.
[Practising self-defence techniques, listening to loud music, dancing energetically, hitting a punchbag, going for a walk, watching funny videos...just doing something that relaxes the body helps to release anger, stress and anxiety. Use a variety of techniques and practice them regularly. I practice tai chi and meditation each day which helps, of course. One needs to release the feelings before one can regain control and deal with the bully. If children are distraught - angry or worried - they need to do something five times a day “because their bodies are producing a lot of painful hormones.” (p.112).]
Secret 2: Understand why you are bullied.
p.117. Clearly there are reasons why your child is being bullied: probably a number of negative programs have been implanted in their brains over the years, and now is the time to get rid of these old discs and replace them with new ones containing positive coping skills.
p. 126. The best victim is one who doesn’t complain...Some react like real victims of crime and become paralysed. This means that their brain is probably releasing too much adrenalin or noradrenalin. Many victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence find it extremely difficult to report the abuse when it occurs.
Secret 3: Build your self-esteem.
p.137. The way people treat us is a reflection of the way we feel inside about ourselves. A child who has low self-esteem feels bad about who they are. It is as though they have a bully living inside of them. Children with poor self-esteem invite the bully to relate to them I the same negative manner in which they relate to themselves. Bullies are basically lazy. They copy others. It is very easy to be bossed or bullied if one doesn’t respect oneself.
...They feel bad about themselves. The observant bully will notice that they have reacted to this tease and not to other insults, taunts or comments, and can use it to pick on the child. This makes the bully happy because he has found an easy target.
Any child is bullied suffers damage to their self-esteem and confidence.
p.137-138. The self-esteem bank: Self-esteem is like money in the bank. If we regularly deposit funds in our bank account, there is money there to draw out when necessary. If we don’t, there will not be enough and we will find ourselves in the ‘red.’ We may become embarrassed by this, especially if we receive a nasty letter from the bank. Everyone has their ups and downs. If our self-esteem bank is in credit, we can use some of it to help us cope with difficult experiences. Children with positive self-esteem now that things will eventually turn out in their favour. They will laugh if someone hits a sensitive spot, and just say ‘big deal’ to themselves.
[Boost your self-esteem and confidence: what makes you feel confident, successful and powerful?]
p.138. If a bully is using them to gain popularity or to release their frustrations, the positive child is able to realise this. They can then decide on the most appropriate course of action for dealing with the bully.
p.156. [The bully may have either the right or wrong opinion of you. It might be possible to “work out how [you] can change the bully’s way of viewing [you].” Then again, if you are strong, or independent, not in a position to do that or don’t see why you should care what others think about you, you might have to endure their ignorant behaviour for the duration that you share the same environment. In the meantime, you might be wise to develop strategies for coping and winning! Essentially, ignorant people are those who remain subconscious creatures who are dependent on a corner of the collective world to which they want everyone else to conform for fear that they might become more conscious. They might actually grow as individuals. This change would require pain and a completely different outlook on life and people.
Secret 4: Become a confident communicator.
p.160. The bulk of successful communication is nonverbal. Only a small percentage involves words. The appropriate verbal and nonverbal communication skills give children the power to behave in an assertive manner.
Children who have effective communication skills are able to protect themselves from more aggressive peers.
p.161. Most people tend to judge other people in the first four seconds! This is another part of our survival instinct in action...Even if they are not feeling confident, they have to behave as though they are. It is like being prepared to do battle...Ultimately, we all need to project a confident image.
p.161-162. Fake it till you make it, or act ‘as if’: ...People who achieve are constantly reaching beyond their comfort zone, and establishing higher and higher goals. Each time they achieve their goal, they find another one to pursue. This means that they are always extending themselves, learning new skills and operating in areas in which they are unsure of their chances of success. Confidence is the last thing that most people talk about when contemplating a challenge. They use optimism and persistence instead.
Confidence occurs when we know how to achieve and there is little likelihood of anything going wrong. However, this is not as simple as it sounds.
p.162. Gaining confidence is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is as elusive as looking for happiness. There is no use telling your child to wait until they are hit by a flash of confidence. Instead, tell them that once they begin they will fid it, sometimes trailing somewhere behind them, sometimes lagging a long way behind their shadow.
Confidence is a luxury few people possess. Children need to know how to behave as if they have confidence and positive self-esteem. As long as they have released their fear and anger and can pretend to look confident, they will fool the bully. (Don’t forget that bullies aren’t generally very alert or aware). Help your child pretend, act ‘as if,’ or ‘fake it till they make it.’ Tell them to behave like a video-camera and project a positive image. Once they begin to practice, although it may feel uncomfortable or strange at first, like learning any new skill or task, they will eventually learn to do it naturally.
p.163. Don’t be scared, be prepared: Your child can play the role of a confident child by utilising appropriate communication skills. If your child is going to relate differently to the bully, they have to change how they walk, stand and talk while the bully is near.
p.168. When dealing with bullies, it is very important for a child to smile (when appropriate), to look relaxed and to be reasonably happy. Besides, smiling brings more blood to the brain and helps us think and feel better. The smile is very important. Help your child practise smiling on a daily basis so that they will eventually do it properly and automatically.
p.168-169. While it is acceptable, indeed necessary, to display our thoughts and feelings on our face to communicate well, when a child has to confront a bully they must display a pleasant, blank face. If your child ‘puts on’ this kind of face, the bully won’t be able to guess what they are feeling inside. It is actually none of the bully’s business what your child is really feeling...They just have to put on a pleasant, neutral mask or behave as though they are in a trance and look ‘spaced out.’
p.170. A frightened animal advertises their fear by heir nervous or frenzied manner. Animals who are not afraid are in control. They appear more relaxed and tend to move steadily.
Bullies notice the way in which children regulate their body movements, so a child who is a victim will probably need to change the way they coordinate their movements. Tell your child to ‘let their body do some of the talking.’
p.170-171. The only way we can look confident and relaxed is by standing or sitting straight, but not rigid like a soldier. We need to appear supple, like an athlete or a dancer.
A child who looks like a scared dog or a limp rag doll makes an excellent victim. Those who have had bad experiences with being bullied are often very tense. They don’t breathe deeply, and their posture looks like limp celery.
[Stand tall and proud, feet firmly rooted to the ground, head held high as if there is a cord pulling the crown up - the golden thread in Chinese internal martial arts. Don’t waste movements. Don’t be rigid because this blocks energy just as the saggy, depressed look wastes energy. Correct posture assists energy and blood flow. It is strengthening and energising so one is more alert and able to deal with intimidating situations - as well as spring into effective physical action if necessary, in the case of martial arts. Correct posture and breathing make us more proactive and conscious, assisting clear intent.]
Drastique
p.174. When we are relaxed, we breathe deeply and slowly. When we are scared or angry, our breathing is shallow and the pattern of our breathing is irregular. Bullies, like dogs, unconsciously pick up the pattern of a child’s breathing, and act. At a conscious level, they might even see the child breathe quickly and become breathless.
p.174. Let’s visualise!: Breathe deeply and try to lower your breathing to your centre. For most people this is around the navel. Continue breathing and imagine that there is a great pool of energy flowing from your centre. Visualise the energy expanding and increasing. Feel the energy as it rises, like water from a spring. Feel it flow through your body and down through your legs, then out through your head and out through your fingertips. Now imagine that it is flowing outside your body, creating a wall of energy all around you. Don’t be distracted by the bully. Just allow the ‘energy wall’ to protect you.
p.175. Bullies, as we know, like to throw their weight around. They often send out vibes from their body which hurt children and force them to bend to their power. If they are using threatening body language, a child should stand up straight and look them in the eye. If the bully is speaking in a loud voice, talking quietly won’t stop them. Encourage your child to become just as loud and noisy. If they are joking and laughing, your child should copy them; if they look casual, they should do the same. Once they have copied the bully’s behaviour successfully, they can then begin to reduce their energy level to a more comfortable one. Bullies will often follow their example and reduce theirs.
[It’s all about energy and polarity. Bullies rely on force to intimidate and weaken, so one needs to respond, not with force, but with power, with positive energy that shifts the polarisation and tips the scales the other way.]
p.176. The voice is a very powerful means of communication. It establishes credibility. Just as accents and dialects immediately identify our origins, so does the mumbling voice of the victim announce their powerlessness.
p.176. Trust your inner voice.
p.176. Say it like you mean it. [Otherwise, the bully will know instantly that what you are saying is irrelevant.]
p.177. Be calm and casual.
p.177. Speak from the gut. [Say what you think, feel and want; express yourself. Use assertive language.]
p.178. What this way of communicating does is make the listener totally accountable to us.
p.178. Don’t be nice, be real. [“Recognise the difference between just talking and relating” - that “talking to another child is not the same as talking with that child...Relating involves sharing one’s feelings and having one’s feelings heard and acknowledged. If your child can begin to relate well, they will begin showing real interest in other children, instead of always thinking about what they are feeling. This is the only way to make real friends.”]
p.179. Children need to identify what they are feeling. They can then decide whether to share this with the bully or with those who are important to them at home or at school. This is not an easy task, and even adults find it almost impossible. It is a herculean task for shy, sensitive children.
p.184. Be polite: It is easy for a child who is upset to become rude or aggressive. This is like waving a red flag at a bull. It shows the bully that he has scored a hit by hurting the child’s feelings.
Your child should always appear polite and respectful so that they do not reveal their vulnerable spots. In addition to using words that attract caring, loving friends, they also need to learn words, statements and questions that are assertive and protect them. Children who are angry and upset usually react with anger or withdraw into their shell. Either way, a chain reaction is established and this makes everything worse. The secret is to respond wisely instead of reacting with frustration.
p.185. Bully: You’re a real fucking bastard.
Your reply: Thank you for training me to protect myself.
[Learn to “separate caring people from cruel people.”]
Secret 5: Create your own power pack.
p.190. The main aims of this chapter are to help your child become desensitised by dealing with their pain, especially their anger and fear, and to teach them how to respond powerfully, not retaliate. Show them that this can be a game, and amuse and motivate them with some of the ideas provided. Remind them that bullies love secrecy and hate publicity.
p.192. Respond - don’t react or retaliate: [because any form of reaction “provides pure entertainment for the bully.”]
p.194. [Change your behaviour by changing your state of mind in order to direct the bully-victim game (and win it)].
One strategy you can use is to do the unexpected. This is called a ‘stuck state buster.’ If you use this approach, the game will change and the bully will notice that you are doing something different. They may be surprised, but they have to change their behaviour. If the bully is being nasty, instead of becoming upset, you could scratch yourself all over, cough all over them, stare at them as though in a trance, sing or shout loudly, give them a compliment, pretend to vomit close to them, or offer them something to eat like a very hard, chewy toffee that jams their jaws closed. If the bully is just making fun in a more lighthearted fashion, you could laugh very loudly and dramatically with them.
p.196. [When a bully criticises you, if you are rational about it then their words can’t affect you emotionally because they have been filtered by your mind and reflected as simply untrue and meaningless.]
p.213. It doesn’t matter whether people bully you physically or verbally, you can give away your power and let them hurt you, or you can keep it for yourself. The choice is yours.
(Finch Publishing Pty Limited, Australia, 1999).
“...it is imperative that you do anything and everything that you can to place yourself in a garment of self-love, for it is the canoe that will take you to the island that you so seek...you will then be offered an opportunity that comes only when you have initialised the codes of self-love. Then and only then will you be allowed entrance into the centre of your universe...There is nothing meek and mild about anyone on this planet Earth. All of you are warriors. It is time that you recognised that. But this time, what will you fight for? Will you fight for 100% healing in every cell of your being? Will you fight for love beyond any measure of love that you have ever tasted? Will you fight for 100% remembrance? Will you fight for truth that is shinier than any truth that has been seen throughout history? Will you fight for you and what you believe in and who you are and how you are? The portals separate those who will and those who will not. They separate those who choose to move forward and those who choose to stay in comfort ability. This choosing is not something decreed by a finger of God that is pointed at each individual. It is something decreed by each individual. Stop waiting on your life. It is here and now. We are the Council of Annu, Sirian of Light and Sirian of Origin. Our blood, our fibre, our genetic encoding runs within you each and every one of you.” - The Council of Annu - through Gillian MacBeth-Louthan (www.thequantumawakening.com).
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