Bully Busting Excerpts for Adults Part I

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” - Elie Wiesel.

Bully Busting. How To Help Children Deal With Teasing and Bullying 

By Evelyn M. Field

Evelyn Field was a school-based psychologist for 17 years and has counselled children in her private practise. She has created a programme to help children who feel hopeless, anxious, powerless, depressed or angry to improve their assertive and self-protective skills. This is a social survival skill, she explains. This book is so useful I believe personally that it ought to be studied in schools everywhere, especially in primary schools. However, there is much information here that is equally applicable to adults who find themselves being victimised. Some people, both children and adults, are more sensitive and vulnerable than others. They must do more work on their emotions both in terms of openness and self-protection. They need to learn how to protect themselves from danger and discover their own source of power, develop self-esteem and confidence. “When confronted by violent or abusive behaviour,” she writes, ”some people become paralysed, passive and unassertive, whereas others inadvertently provoke or antagonise their abuser.” (p.6). In addition, she adds, if a child does nothing and does not report the incident, he or she can end up being victimised again and again. Similarly, with adults, of course, serious incidents need to be reported to the authorities and some action needs to be taken. In each situation, the presence of friends and acquaintances can help and some understanding of how to deal effectively with such situations is of immense value. One needs to be aware of the options. Evidently, some people, of any age, are more vulnerable than others and need to learn how to protect themselves from danger, to discover their own sources of power and to develop self-esteem and confidence. Ultimately, changing one’s behaviour can put a stop to the bullying, says Field: we need to realise that learning to deal with bullies is a necessary life skill.” (p.8).

Bullying takes many forms and is more prevalent among young people today than ever, so it would seem. I only wish there had been more information available when I was a child. What the world needs more than anything else now is for increased awareness on a universal scale. ‘Knowledge is power,’ and the empowerment of the individual through truth will insure against the few dominating those whom they target. This applies socially as well as politically and economically, of course. Some adults never seem to really grow up. The programming we receive in childhood often obstructs pure feeling. Some are cut off from the soul they arrived with at birth more than others. Some children are clearly very disturbed by certain conditions in their childhood and either become overly shy and withdrawn or and behave destructively. There are those who receive little or no love at all or who do not have sufficient guidance from spirit guides because their lessons are more of a physical or emotional nature and they are not ready on a soul level to develop their minds further. They may remain passively dependent on others for a feeling of security or who simply feel helpless and have little idea how they may become more assertive or use their intelligence to combat bullying (as victims). Alternatively, the separate physical ego may take root more savagely and the will directed selfishly and aggressively towards the pursuit of personal power and prestige (bullies).

Since it is through education that we may become masters of our own destinies, I would like to share excerpts from this book that appear most relevant for developing strategies for dealing with bullies in adulthood. One would expect adults to be better prepared for dealing with bullies. Yet, those people who continue to be bullies in adult life also become better at what they do. It is a useful exercise to ‘go back to basics’ and look at a few key issues to strengthen one’s strategic awareness.

p.5. Part of our inbuilt, instinctual system alerts us if we believe something is going to happen which could threaten out existence, and we either fight or flee. This is known as the fight/flight instinct. When we flee, it is because of anxiety. When we fight, it is due to our need to express our anger and frustration. The basic goal is to motivate ourselves to action, to protect ourselves and to survive successfully.

p.6. Assertive children have a well-developed instinct for survival. They sense when the bully intends to hurt. They realise instinctively, like the dolphin through its sonar system, that the bully will back off if he or she can’t smell fear or see their sensitivity. They may choose to confront the bully, defend themselves or remove themselves from the potentially harmful situation. They don’t go near bullies if they know they can’t handle them or if they don’t feel like facing them...In dealing with bullying, the first basic step is to acknowledge the need to survive and protect oneself, using appropriate strategies to avoid being disempowered.

p.7. Many victims of bullying continue to have difficulties in later life. They often avoid situations where confrontation or negotiation is required and this affects their entire life: their choice of career, their level of success, their choice of partner, and how they handle their families and relationships. Adults who are scared of verbal abuse, gossip or being excluded by others (because they fear becoming embarrassed) avoid social and business situations. Some victims become socially isolated, and isolation can create the foundation for secrecy, which becomes the breeding ground for violence and abuse. Thus victims who believe that they can’t protect themselves will either avoid threatening social situations or become manipulated, abused or victimised again.

p.9. I suspect that all over the world the average woman generally feels powerless. And, unfortunately, powerless people are more likely to be bullied at some time in their lives.

It is essential, therefore, that you help your children gain a sense of power over their lives. Children need to be able to speak to someone about what is upsetting them and to decide on an appropriate course of action. I have learnt that when children do not know how to confront or challenge their parents (regardless of the reason, whether positive or negative) those children remain powerless. They need to realise that they do have power and that they can use this in an assertive manner. If young people cannot confront their parents, or feel confident that they can ask them for help, then we cannot expect them to do it with anyone else. This means that if your child cannot challenge you, it’s going to be very difficult for them to stand up to a bully. Someone needs to show them how to do it.

p.15. Thus my final secret is that in order to survive we all need people, and we all need a support network. At the end of the day, our survival depends on our social skills and how we relate to others. What I have learnt is the basis of my program, a psychological model that I have called ‘The Secrets of Relating.’

p.26. The child who is most likely to become a victim is very sensitive and easily hurt. They show their distress very clearly. They are more likely to be anxious, cautious, submissive, nonassertive and quiet than other children. Some children are shy, others are socially incompetent. Their eyes, face, skin tone, body language, voice and words act like a television screen. They broadcast or advertise their fear, anger, hurt and powerlessness. More often than not, at least for a period of time, these children deny or reject help. They claim that they can cope. When confronted by a bully, they are paralysed with fear. They deny and do nothing.

p.31. Bullies are people who tease, frighten, threaten or hurt others who are not as strong as they are...Most bullies work on their victims’ fear. They manipulate their victims to exist in a state of fear, reminding them regularly with a look or other action, verbal or nonverbal, of what might happen to them...Most bullies want to cause pain and suffering for their own gain and pleasure. Some actually plan their attack.

...Some bullies actually perceive themselves as victims. Other children don’t really intend to hurt the victim. They believe that the victim is enjoying the game. They are quite insensitive to the impact of their actions. Unfortunately they can still do great harm and cause insignificant damage to their victim.

p.38. [Some bullies will not let up regardless of what steps you take to persuade them to change their behaviour, says Field]: ...this type of bully will still want to attack just because they need to be aggressive and in control. [They want to have fun at your expense]. They may even pretend that it’s only a game! They have what we call an attitude problem.

p.40. Children learn to bully by copying others close to them. No-one has shown them that it damages the victim, no-one has made them accountable for being aggressive and no-one has taught them more appropriate ways of releasing feelings and relating to other people.

p.41. Silence and secrecy protects the bully.

ERIC by Trisste

p.43. Often there are clear signs from the bully that they are about to attack and hurt, but many victims don’t know what to do and remain powerless. They act like a victim, not like a warrior. Your child needs to learn to identify danger where possible, and to avoid it where possible.

p.44. It is extremely important to realise that bullying or victimising is a game to the bully. There are four types of games that I have identified.

[These four games are as follows:

1. Bullies love a reaction.
2. Bullies and victims ‘enjoy’ the dance (“a ‘dance macabre’ in which the behaviour of each reinforces the other” - through reaction - be it antagonisation or submission).
3. Victims pretend it isn’t happening.
4. Making it easy for the bully (giving out the wrong signals).]

p.49. [Field identifies three layers of damage:

1. Caused by the actual bullying.
2. Silence and denial. Fear of losing face.
3. “...their level of fear increases: they fear the bullying will happen again. The end result is that they feel like a failure. It is a horrible and frustrating position to be in. They are often too paralysed to deal with it.”]

p.49. Bullying may create psychological, sociological, physiological and biochemical damage, leading to trauma or social phobia. People who do not know how to protect themselves from bullying also seem to attract bullies, wherever they are.

p.79. Nobody feels positive all the time. However, it is important to change our state of mind very quickly. We change our attitude by seeing, hearing or doing something that provides a different result.

It is important that children learn to be flexible and change their mindset if they encounter a bully. Remember that bullies are like dogs: they can smell a child’s fear. Good strategies only work when a child feels calm and confident. They can achieve this state of mind if they can access a supply of positive self-esteem (which is based on knowing how to be assertive) as this will give them an air of self-confidence when bullies are near.

[We behave differently when we feel good. If you can change your behaviour for a million dollars or less, you can do it for nothing. Just do it].

p.80. Help your child realise that they give the bully power to hurt them. They can also take away the bully’s power by not showing their anger and fear and by looking relaxed and cool...Nothing has a chance of succeeding if we don’t believe it can. Henry Ford is often quoted as saying, ‘If you say you can, you can, and if you say you can’t, you’re right.’

...The secret is to persist...it is essential that your child sound confident and behave assertively.

p.81. By the law of averages, something you or your child does will stop the bullying.

p.82. [Recommended exercise]: “...search your memory for periods when you felt a sense of power over your life, or even particular situations...What did you do to feel powerful.” [Then anchor the feeling by associating it with a symbol in order to access the feeling immediately by recalling your anchor or symbol. You can reproduce the feeling and immediately activate a sense of power - using the power of belief.]

p.83. Anchors stop boats drifting away with the tide.

p.84. [Don’t give your power away. Start seeing the whole game from another angle].

They can make the bully feel uncomfortable and they can feel powerful...your child is changing their attitude from feeling helpless and powerless to realising that they can do something to stand up for themselves and take away the bully’s power, without resorting to aggressive behaviour.

(Finch Publishing Pty Limited, Australia, 1999).

“I’ve dealt with a lot of bullies in my life. The bully wants to find the weakest person. If they know that you are going to fight them and you’re going to just keep fighting them, eventually, they know that what’s going to happen, you’re going to figure out their little bully tricks and there’s going to come a day when you’re going to start winning. Or, eventually, the whole school yard is going to watch you fight them and say, ‘Hey, he’s not that tough, let’s get him.’ And the whole school yard jumps on him. They’re not happy with this.” - Robert Menard (www.thinkfree.ca).