MotherShip by Sam Wise ___ PLEASE REFRESH PAGE FOR WEB FONTS

Thursday, 31 December 2015

Monstaville Book III. Chapter 32


32

“Laughter physiologically and psychologically relieves pressure, lightens burdens and lifts the spirits. You should learn the art of laughing in the face of difficulties. Reflect on the wisdom expressed in a hymn to the Sun god Ra: ‘Thy priests go forth at dawn, they wash their hearts with laughter’…Learn to laugh at your own and other people’s weaknesses. By lightening the seriousness of your problems, by accepting the frailties of others and by looking beyond the limitations of circumstances, you can bring about peaceful and satisfying solutions. Laughter cleanses the soul and can lead to physical healing through spiritual understanding.” – Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker (Para Research, Inc., PA., U.S., 1980, p.161-162).


2012.

I won’t go into it, but moving to Yorkshire was chaotic and remained so for a month. Regarding the house I managed to find, I now at least have more space, which I really needed. Cold winter weather and financial difficulties have obscured the benefits of living here for now but it is a beautiful location. And my visit to the Citizens Advice Bureau seemed to reinforce my perception that life is generally about 20 years behind the south up here. They are open on most mornings. I dropped in randomly around lunchtime and only one person was waiting and she had an appointment. I waited no more than five minutes to be seen. Racial segregation means that mixed-race relationships appear to be a new trend here, something that would have been unheard of a few years ago. People still complain about youths being respectful to their elders and tolerance for loud personal stereos, mp3 players on public transport as well as stereos played at high volume in cars and homes is not tolerated across the board. Many people recognise such behaviour for the affront that it is. The cost of living, however, is said to be lower up here but it is not as far as I can see although one can find properties for lower rents in the north of England. Beer and petrol are cheaper but that’s about it.

“Serenity is impossible to a poor man in a cold country.” – George Orwell.

The rent is cheap but I found out, after moving in, that there are reasons for this. The first thing that hit me was the fact that the old double glazing does not keep street noises out and also means I can hear the traffic on the main road nearby. That seemed to be a nightmare when I first arrived but I got used to it after only a week or so when selective hearing kicked in. There was not much wind for a couple of weeks but I soon discovered that the loose aerial on the roof was so loud when it was windy that I could not sleep. That remained a problem for two months because the aerial turned out to belong to the people who own the house next door. It took me almost three months to temporarily solve the problem of the skylight leaking onto my bed in the attic room. The window sealant I put around the frame made the problem 100 times worse for some reason. The sheet of Perspex I bought was expensive and the tape I had kept coming off. Finally, someone suggested I shove it right in and put silicone around it which worked beautifully.

I also discovered mildew on the chimney stack from water running down which may mean that the chimney pots are not secure. This would not have occurred if the fireplace was still in use as the heat from the fire would keep it dry. Damp is an issue up here because it rains so much. My house being at the end of a terrace, there is also damp in the first floor room where I have my office. I bought a spray eventually which works wonders so it is not too difficult to manager during the winter except that I cannot reach some of it now. I was not prepared for such a problem. A local informed me that since the main ingredient of those sprays is bleach, filling a spray bottle with cheap household bleach is just as effective. Just spray it on and wipe clean and then spray some more on and leave it, covering up anything nearby, including the carpet, so it does not get ruined.

When I first moved in, in fact, there was a young couple living next door who were always fighting and arguing. They had a two-year-old baby and would occasionally shout at each other in the street for hours to take their argument away from the baby. Most of the time, however, it was confined to the house where I could hear much of what was going on. Another old house means more thin walls, unfortunately. The woman was very nasty indeed and would wind her partner up constantly until he would eventually explode in anger. About a month after I moved in, I heard her telling him not to knock the baby’s cot or something during an argument and he told her he had not. It was late evening and I heard some noise next door, objects being moved or whatever, but thought nothing of it. The next day, the police where in the house for five hours and were there again for the next two days. Apparently, he had finally lost his temper completely, put her in hospital and trashed the house. I pitied him. He was not terribly pleasant to speak to but I put that down to the stress he was under. He had told me they were due to move out in January, to a place that is quite rough and run down. As a result of this incident, the couple were thrown out of the house and new tenants were sought. The landlady assured me that she would try to find some decent, quiet tenants. It did not quite work out like that. I don’t know. My troubles appear to be following me around! What is it within me that attracts selfish neighbours and even psychos? At least I managed to find a house with an affordable rent because clearly the couple who were living here before moved out to get away from the violence taking place next door!

4 February. Saturday. The young woman next door, who moved in last weekend, came back with a bloke after drinking hours and ended up crying after a lot of noise. The guy then proceeded to shout at her until gone 2.30 a.m. when I went to bed. It sounded to me like he was terrorising her: he sounds just like the psychos who lived there before except that this time it is the male rather than the female being a bully and total menace. She has a baby girl as well.

There was a solar flare on 23 January apparently.

“It has been a good morning…You listened silently to things which are very essential to your spiritual growth, and you laughed heartily. More than that is not needed – a good laughter and a deep silence together are enough to transform you. You are on the right path, unless you get stuck somewhere. The path is simple and easy, and all that it needs is a let-go – either in silence or in laughter, either in music or in dance. Remember the most spiritual words in existence are LET-GO.” – Osho (Love’s Mysteries, Sterling Publishers, India, 1998, p.93).
  


It seems that the yappy guy lives there with the young mother and her yappy dog. Not quite sure if he is there every day. Seems that way. The loud dog and loud TV mean my living room is out of bounds much of the time although I don’t use it that much. I can hear the dog on the first floor where I work anyway though. I am able to put some music on just to cover up the radio when they have it on in their bedroom. It can be quite loud though. Thankfully, the girl has realised that everything can be heard through the walls here – being old houses. One day, I heard her telling her partner not to keep shouting and he banged on something by the wall and seemed to be saying he can make as much noise as he likes. But, being a great deal more intelligent I expect, she is wary of her neighbour hearing too much that goes on there! Consequently, he keeps the volume down but I still hear him yelling like a baby when something is not going his way. And, a few times, he appears to have been banging on their bathroom door and trying to force it open or something. Which reminds me, their dog is a nightmare when they go out and leave it in the house. Just whines and barks all evening. It sounded like it had been shut in the bathroom on the first floor last Saturday night when they went out.

11 March. Sunday. I went to bed last night at about 11.30 p.m. and was kept awake by the neighbours’ dog whining and howling. Eventually, I asked my guides if they could possibly shut it up. I quickly fell asleep after that so I’m guessing they came to my aid in that way instead. I was woken up by the young lady next door shouting ‘No!’ I then had to listen to her partner shouting at her again and a few minutes later she shouted ‘No’ again only much louder still. He continued yelling but I somehow fell asleep again.

12 March. The guy next door started yelling at 7.20 in the morning and this was swiftly followed by their baby crying seemingly right next to my bedroom wall which went on for an hour or so. Oh, hell!

18 March. Sunday morning. I was woken up at about 5.35 a.m. by the guy next door shouting at his partner on the second floor of their house, adjacent to my bedroom. This went on until 8 a.m. when his partner suddenly shouted back at him. Thereafter they took their argument downstairs to the front room and continued all morning, with the guy accusing her of lying about something.

23 March. Friday. OMG I have the worst neighbours in the area again! They arrived home at about 2.15 and partied,, music on in the front room, two or three couples yelling, the men talking loudly in the street for at least half-an-hour and then again later. Eventually someone left and they came upstairs to the bedroom, still talking loudly, and the guy who lives there kept yelling ‘oggi, oggi, oggi!’ among other things; plus there was loud singing and clapping. Oh, yeah, and the word ‘fuck’ was repeated in copious amounts. It sounded like they were celebrating a football result or something, or had transplanted those talents to another cause for celebration. Manchester City beat Chelsea on Wednesday. Perhaps it’s that. Or perhaps the raucous party was in honour of Manchester United beating Wolves five-nil on Sunday. The couple next door could then be heard talking loudly at 3.30 a.m. in the street. I heard ‘oggi, oggi oggi!’ again at about 4 a.m. and this time it was completed with ‘oi, oi, oi! Oggi oggi!’

23 April. New people have moved in next door. They arrived at 1.30 a.m. on Saturday night and the girl shouted at her partner off and on for half-an-hour. She has a very rough, crude, brutal-sounding voice that sends shivers up my spine.

24 May. Well, someone is living next door but I never see them and rarely hear them so that’s a result! Perhaps because I did not react earlier, having learned that lesson!

“Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it and accept it.” – Unknown.

Having bad neighbours is like living with a disease, or long-term illness, particularly when the problem follows you when you move! Once you realise there are no really effective cures and that treating the symptoms (neighbours) produces only short-term relief, live with pain and learn to put up with it. And, when you do that, when you accept and surrender, you stay more relaxed and can be in your heart because your mind is not reacting, trying to find solutions. It is resigned to memory reflection and never has the impetus to take the reins because there is nowhere to go. You can’t just go and change ignorant, insensitive people. You can try sending them love but that is as much as you can do I reckon.

Angel card: Humour.

It’s like those old science fiction scenes where, if a character focuses on the illusory projection, he or she becomes a victim of evil intent. But, knowing it is an illusion and seeing through it rather than allowing oneself to be drawn into it, weakens the mirage and it then fades and vanishes. Triumphant, one can then resume one’s intent and activity without interference.

Bob Pepper - The dark side of the earth, 1964

“Remember that LOVE is always the answer, so when life perplexes you just ask yourself what the most loving thing is you can do or say.” - Gary Bate (from ‘7 Principles of higher conscious living,’ 2012).

In the Dog House.

7 or 8 July. A dog barked all day long next door. There was also barking off and on a day or two prior to this.

9 July. Monday. The new neighbours’ dog barked from about 7.30 a.m. for around half-an-hour. This was followed by occasional squeaks and barking through the day.

10 July. The neighbour’s dog woke me up at 6.20 a.m. and barked like crazy for an hour-and-a-half. Thereafter, it slowed down with longer pauses between barking and squeaking.

12 July. Afternoon: From approximately 1 p.m. the neighbour’s dog barked and squealed.

31 July. I met a friendly guy who moved into a house over the road from me only a few months before I moved here. We often bumped into each other and chatted for a while. This guy then vanished without a trace until I saw him again one day and then a few weeks later caught him walking his dog. I learned that he had moved round the corner already and that the reason was loud music being played in the middle of the night from the house behind his. He had told me months ago that he had been round to ask a ‘lad’ to keep his music down but to no avail. I had, in fact, had a conversation with the man to whom he was referring without realising that ‘lad’ referred to a guy a little older than me who is a drunk. Oh, man, you know, I looked at him in horror when he boasted about playing loud music at four in the morning on a regular basis. He told me that the neighbours had been round to complain and the local council had sent people round and still he just ignores them and no one does anything about it. He has been playing loud music with no consideration for other people for decades, he said. I had just returned from a long walk and it was a sunny day. I looked this guy deep in the eyes and told him that had it been me who had to endure his behaviour I would have come round to cut his throat! I kind of scared myself for a moment. Like, ‘Woah! Where did that come from?’ However, I now believe it is possible that I picked up some negative psychic energy coming this guy’s way from people in the local community. I may have been doing him a favour by diffusing some of that energy, actually sharing the anger with him on a deep level and perhaps saving him from being savagely attacked by someone, which I am hearing is the likelihood if he ignores all the signs although the council are apparently on to him as well. Someone told me yesterday that he was recently arrested for touching up a girl and could even be going to prison. It sounds like one way the energy of this place is giving him an ultimatum. He is not welcome here if he insists on terrorising other with loud music. These old houses have thin walls. [Retrospective note: It turns out that the woman with whom he was having a no-strings sexual relationship turned on him and accused him of raping her. The matter was resolved, however, when it became clear that she was lying because she was willingly having sex with him on a regular basis].

I was talking to another friend who is an artist when someone next door put the radio on. He lives in a block of flats and, again, the walls are very thin. I asked if he had to put up with that noise much and he said it was mainly during the daytime and not for too long. The radio belonged to a girl who had just moved in quite recently. My friend then proceeded to relay a couple of stories. Not too long ago someone living next door had a dog that was kept at home in the flat while the owner went to work. This dog howled and barked all day and drove my friend and a couple of other people crazy! My friend was becoming so angry that he was seriously considering throwing a brick through the window so that the dog would jump out and run off! One day one of the neighbours went round there and that was the end of the noisy dog. It appears that the owners moved out shortly afterwards. Prior to this annoyance, several years earlier, in fact, there had been a guy who had the flat below but was only there at the weekends. However, when he was there he would have terrifically loud parties into the early hours of the morning. Many objects in my friend’s flat would shake and he was unable to go to sleep. He once went down there to speak to them but he could only see them looking back at him through the spy hole and they did not answer the door when he knocked. Fortunately, not long after that the guy who had been using the flat for weekend parties gave it to his younger brother who turned out to be as quiet as a dormouse.

Anyway, getting back to dogs, so many people own dogs up here. There’s dog shit everywhere! Well, along the canal at least. It seems to me that dog lovers are a breed apart. I have realised that this must be karma resulting from my claim to hate dogs which I have repeated on numerous occasions since my cat had to start going to see the vet. I have often told people that neither of us likes dogs and it’s true. I love all animals and one thing I have noticed is that when I encounter dogs outside on my travels I am very friendly and warm towards them. I talk to them and stroke them. But when I am in a building I just don’t want them near me and I find them to be noisy and smelly and just generally do anything but enhance my experience of life. I also just can’t relate to people wanting to own a dog. One doesn’t ‘own’ a cat and there’s no real dependency apart from food. It’s generally a peaceful experience

“The more you struggle to live, the less you live. Give up the notion that you must be sure of what you are doing. Instead, surrender to what is real within you, for that alone is sure…you are above everything distressing.” - Baruch Spinoza.

1 August. Full Moon. I was woken up this morning at 6.10am by that yappy dog next door. Again, it lasted a full hour and was so loud. It petered off after that and the dog only barked for short periods occasionally so there does appear to be an improvement on that score. I wrote a letter to the neighbours but decided not to send it. I don’t quite know why I am so reluctant to inform my neighbours that their dog is driving me crazy! Although, as I explained to a friend the other day, I would feel more comfortable had I met the neighbours on a positive note beforehand. Just going round to tell them how pissed off I am may not bode well for the vibes between us. And, so far, they have been good neighbours and do not, themselves, disturb me with loud music or shouting or fighting or, ahem, dare I say it, vicious bouts of coughing! Here’s what I wrote:

‘Look I’m sorry but you’re dog is driving me nuts and I cannot cope with this for much longer. Every time you go out it barks and squeals for ages and then off and on after that. I’m sure you are probably not aware of the situation since it is quiet when you are at home.
                This morning it woke me up at 6.10am so I assume you didn’t come home last night because it woke me up at 6.20 just a few days after you moved in and on both occasions your dog barked constantly for an hour. It is so loud throughout my house, in every room. I work from home and basically your dog is a nightmare!
                I was hoping it would settle down after a couple of weeks but, while there is some improvement, it has not. Honestly, it’s so bad that I may eventually be forced to turn to the council for help at some point if it carries on like this. But that’s a last resort. I mean I’m trying to put up with it but I don’t know how much I can take. The first step is to inform you of the situation in case you don’t already know and find out if there is anything you can do about it.
                Your dog appears to be suffering from anxiety separation or something and it sounds like it is being shut in one room. It’s like living next door to a torture victim!
                I don’t know what can be done about it, whether your dog can be trained not to be anxious and howl and whine when you are away, moved or wear an anti-barking collar.
                I’m prepared to be patient and you seem like good neighbours. I don’t want to have to complain especially since we haven’t met yet. All I am saying is that it can’t really go on like this forever. I don’t suppose you’ve ever had to endure anything like this yourselves!’

Next day: The yappy dog woke me up at quarter past six again and yapped and whined for 45 minutes before slowing down to an intermittent din.

"This is the creation of the world, that the pain of division is as nothing, and the joy of dissolution all." - Aleister Crowley (The Book of the Law or Liber AL vel Legis: AL I:30, by Weiser Books, MA, U.S., 1904).


A friend up here says she has a dog that is a ‘barker.’ Now, she has a woman living next door who has an all-night party and keeps my friend awake all night with very loud music about once a month when these big drug dealers and gang go round to visit her. She just tolerates it and says she catches up with her sleep at the weekend.

A local acquaintance told me that he once found himself living next door to a guy who regularly played loud music. On one occasion my new friend just happened to be holding an axe (he was busy chopping wood in the yard I expect). He put the axe down, went round to his neighbour’s house and stepped inside because the door was not locked. He angrily told his neighbour that if he did not turn the music down he would return with the axe! I think he also said something like if he did it again his head would meet the same fate. He said he found out later that it’s also a true fact that a guy once went round to his noisy neighbour with a samurai sword and sliced the stereo in two in one clean, smooth cut.

Oh, man, I am reminded that I have been caught up in all manner of debates and arguments with people online over the past year or two. I was even called a snob today by a woman from Bolton who referred to my comments as “long drawn out middle class bullshit posts” which must therefore be ‘elitist’ in themselves. I was sharing information about the global Elite, how they have been messing with the weather and are now being removed. I seem to clash with a lot of people from Lancashire. I’d better avoid repeating this observation too much though, just in case! Well, I have had transiting Uranus entering Aries Trine my natal Sun, so creative power and expression in online groups. I once described it as waving a cumbersome sword around in the beginning but then refining my debating skills and ability to meet hostile challenges from people so that the situation has ended up resembling Space Invaders!

17 August. Just putting up with the yappy dog. It’s not quite as bad as it was and has been moved to the kitchen or somewhere on the ground floor. Still noisy though. I will continue sending it some love and asking my guides to help to comfort the poor thing. I’m also still grappling with fleas from the dog that was here before I moved in. I’ve spent money I don’t have on an injection for my cat’s dermatitis at the vet’s and bought some flea spray for the carpets etc. But it’s cheap stuff and the cheap spot-on I have used on him is not working. I was advised to buy better quality stuff but simply cannot afford it. I also bought some tablets to help but they make him sick.

18 August. Saturday. Put some music on (very low volume as always) for a while when the neighbours were listening to music in the morning. They don’t play music at all loudly. It’s just that the walls here are very thin like the house I lived in before. In the afternoon, I communed with an entity who helps one to experience the Goddess to learn about the divine feminine energy. That was sublime. Then I went for a bike ride because the Sun came out around 4 p.m. There were muddy puddles along the canal however and to make it worse I ended up cycling through some muddy clay. So, when I got home, I gave my bike a good clean. Since the weather was nice I allowed Xianxian to wander out as I could keep an eye on him. The people opposite me appear to have moved out. Either that or they are away for the Summer. There were no other cats around so Xianxian was able to explore their overgrown garden.

Not long after 6 p.m. the young lady living next door arrived home with her dog on a long leash. I greeted her and she stopped to chat for a while. It turns out that this young family are victims of the flooding in a town not far away and that they have moved here for six months while their house, which they own, is cleaned up and restored. Their house insurance covers the damage caused, thankfully.

Her dog came over to hang out with me. It had a pink bow on the top of its head so it is a bitch. Such a sweet little thing it is actually! I stroked it and it was soon lying on its belly just chilling. Well, I have been sending it love here and there from next door! The woman told me her dog likes me but also that if she went off and left the dog there it would start barking. Yes, we discussed this matter. Well, naturally, I pointed out that although it is lovely and quiet when they are home, it appears to suffer from separation anxiety when left alone in the house. She told me they had timed it and learned that their dog barks for about 10 minutes at a time. She said it barks in their other house as well so it is not anew thing. I explained, however, that during the first few weeks after their arrival their dog was barking all day long but has since quietened down considerably. I also mentioned that it has woken me up at six in the morning each time they have not come home at night and she said they are trying to ensure that one of them is at home each day so it will not happen very often. She also told me to let them know if their dog is causing me too much grief but I replied that there is probably nothing they can do about it and that it will be fine. She added that it’s a shame there is nothing one can do to prevent dogs from barking. That anti-barking collar I found online came to mind but I did not mention it! I wish I had asked if they walk their dog enough though.

I have to say, I was very pleased to hear that I will only have to put up with the critter for six months even if I do really love their little dog! I still don’t think it’s fair on neighbours when someone has a yappy dog at home. The woman explained that they keep it in the kitchen with a children’s safety gate so the dog cannot get out. I said that I would do my nut if someone locked me in a room all day as well and asked why they do not allow it to roam around the house. I didn’t really get a clear answer to that question.

19 August. Man, life is weird! This morning they had the radio on much, much louder than they have ever played music or anything. I put up with it and intended to cover it up with some music at some point but they turned it off and went out after about half-an-hour, perhaps a bit longer. Also, the woman’s husband coughed several times after the radio had been switched off and it sounded totally fake. What was that all about? Does he cough at other times and therefore appear to have a cold? You guessed it: no! Demons, my friend, ‘demons’! Haha.

Well, the thing about that situation was that these neighbours did not grasp that their dog really was barking all day long for a few weeks after they had moved but then settled down and became much more bearable. In fact, I found myself at the next automatic checkout in the local supermarket one afternoon in October and assured her that her dog had really settled down and was no longer bothering me. This news pleased her so much that, thereafter, she became much more friendly towards me and even treated me to another dose of yapping from 6.11 in the morning a couple of days later by staying out all night!

“God is always joking. Look at your own life - it is a joke! Look at other people's lives, and you will find jokes and jokes and jokes. Seriousness is illness; seriousness has nothing spiritual about it. Spirituality is laughter, spirituality is joy, spirituality is fun.” – Osho.








4 November. It’s almost a year since I moved to Yorkshire now! Apart from the cold weather and my ongoing struggle with poverty (which is actually far greater than ever before!) I am loving life up here. I live so close to beautiful hills, rocks and waterfalls. It’s really quite magical and has helped me attune myself to the oneness of all life, including beyond the physical realm. I feel part of the whole and have also established a cool circle of friends which is something that was denied me the whole time I lived in London. My cat died a couple of months ago. I was not entitled to free veterinary treatment at the PSDA because of some ridiculous complication regarding my post code so I did not let my cat out for several months. I was worried that, being 11 or 10 years old and with his old knee injuries he would get into fight whilst trying to establish his territory here. He hated being locked indoors and was getting under my feet. I considered not having a garden for my cat to enjoy the main problem resulting from my move. I really felt for the little guy and I often said ‘I’m sorry’ to him!

In the end, a friend pushed me a bit suggesting I should let him out. Since the house opposite me had been vacant for a few months and the garden was overgrown I decided to risk it. I reasoned that if I generally only allowed him to go out while I was at home and he stayed in that garden I could race downstairs and be out there like a shot upon hearing any trouble. After only a few weeks, however, he started being sick every day and he also got into a fight with the vicious cat that spoils it for all the other cats around here. I had no money to take him to a vet and didn’t have a clue what was wrong with him. I hoped that if he popped out and ate some grass it would help. A couple of weeks later he stopped eating and was struggling to breathe so I was forced to take him to the vet’s. They didn’t have a clue what could be wrong with him. They gave me some medicine which I could not get him to take. Then, after three days, I couldn’t find him before I went to bed which seemed to be an ominous sign. He had evidently found the perfect hiding place in the house! I sensed that he might be preparing to die and my father warned me that it could happen. That did not help much though as I was shocked to find him lying on the floor in the kitchen next to his food in the morning. I bawled my eyes out which surprised me since I did not realise I was so attached to the little guy. I carried him in a large holdall to a really great spot in the hills and buried him under some soil and rocks to protect his body from foxes. It was quite dramatic since rain was gushing down throughout.

Xianxian’s grave is near to the area where I sometimes practise tai chi and where I tried to take him on a cat harness and leash along the road so we could hang out in nature like old times. But he wasn’t having any of it and the trip was murder. I had to keep picking him up because he wouldn’t walk and then finally he jumped onto a ledge and tried to get away. He turned savage and when I got him back down on the roadside again he used his body to crouch and utilise the power of gravity in a defiant statement of refusal to budge. So I carried him home and even that wasn’t easy as he tried to struggle free and I kept having to put him down on the ground and start over again.

Well, it was not my intention to describe the fate of my cat! I have made a few enemies up here but that is not something I feel I want to go into in this book. It’s just an aspect of this new chapter in my life. I simply wish to include a couple of incidents and observations regarding ‘rednecks’ up here! Why? Because distinctive pattern has come to my attention and it is something people living in these parts need to be aware of. But, also, because their behaviour is more barbaric than I have encountered before. There was a short period in which I heard several stories of people having been glassed in the head. One young man had been a recent victim, in fact and has a large scar right down his face. Strangely, however, I have not heard any similar stories since! It is like there was a window in which something was being shown to me. It definitely reinforced my growing awareness that it is quite dark up here in the north of England. As well as the realisation that I have been sent here to assist in birthing the Light in these parts.

So, anyway, there are two little stories I wish to share. When I first moved here, I used to chat to a neighbour in the street and then suddenly he vanished and I had no idea what had happened to him. Several months later, I saw him getting into his car just as I was getting into a friend’s car so we never spoke but he looked peeved. Then, one day, I encountered him as he was walking towards his new home and he explained what had happened. I remembered that he had complained about loud music being played in the house behind him by some guy whom I assumed was in his twenties because he had referred to him as ‘lad.’ So that is how I learned that it was the alcoholic guy who had driven him out with his loud music playing in the middle of the night. He managed to find a house just up the road.

"Seriousness is the major obstacle to sweetness. Sweetness is a magnetic key to anything." - Archangel Michael.

During a gig I went to one Saturday night I had noticed a friend talking to a guy wearing a white Fred Perry t-shirt (my drunk neighbour likes wearing them as well and they’re probably about the same age…former skinheads perhaps!). I therefore assumed that he must be OK so when he is standing beside me next to the stage I go along with his banter and humour him as he becomes a bit boisterous. However, it starts to get out of hand and each member of the band looks at him, clearly concerned that he might cause trouble. He tells me he hates their music and rattles off a couple of archaic American rock bands as examples of the type of music he likes. I wonder what the hell he is doing there but some people wander over there after the pubs close because they also hold regular late-night club events. Anyway, little did I know, but this guy was engaging in a familiar, tried-and-tested pattern of behaviour by being chummy at first and then gradually becoming more menacing and aggressive until he had built up to a pitch where he could seemingly justify a violent attack on his victim! In fact, my drunk neighbour tried this on me when I met him in town one day. He was steaming drunk and trying to manipulate me into saying something he could find vaguely offensive and which would confirm his bizarre accusations.

Having attracted some hostility from a few people, as I mentioned previously, I had, in fact, asked for protection from Archangel Michael on my way there earlier in the evening. Another friend whom I didn’t think was going to the gig suddenly arrived just before this guy started talking to me and must have been watching the whole thing. He could see where it was leading whilst I was completely in the dark. He pulled me back into a space in the crowd and confronted the guy, telling him to lay off or else. He then proceeded to tell me that with rednecks it is necessary to meet force with force otherwise they just don’t stop coming at you. I disagreed, saying that the opposite response it required but, later, I realised that this view is perhaps na├»ve in this kind of situation which is totally alien to me (apart from the Pig Monster scene of course!). I had indulged him because, as I said, I assumed he was harmless, having him seen him talking to the friend I went there with earlier.


Some weeks after this incident, I was walking to a young woman who lives on a council estate in a city and the conversation led to her explaining to me that these people talk to you and keep coming at you and will never go away or leave you alone unless you do something about it. She told me that what they are ultimately aiming to do is get right up close to their victim and headbutt him or else get a right hook or something. They don’t leave anything to chance being cowardly brawlers who are not interested in a fair fight. They just cheat their way in and get the advantage to ensure that they ‘win’ the ‘fight.’ Bullies basically, although I believe they simply get drunk and allow negative spirits to express through them. I can’t seem to remember the tips this woman shared with me but we certainly exchanged some martial skills! She evidently comes across these characters on a regular basis and knows exactly how to handle them although no doubt she also knows who to avoid! So, yes, ‘to be forewarned is to be forearmed’! I certainly hope to recognise the signs in future if ever I am unfortunate enough to meet one of these monsters (doubt if the drunk who lives near me will try anything again since I dealt with him quite wisely and effectively that time when he was disgustingly drunk and disorderly it appears. But, then, I keep forgetting to beam love and light at people who project their fear and anger on to me. It feels like I have been introduced to some kind of deadly spider or something in a foreign land and that it is vital to know about them lest they catch one unawares! [In fact, the day after I wrote this, I watched a local fireworks display with this guy and one of his buddies. They had three 2-litre bottles of cider and a small bottle of vodka (which they poured into their cider!) between them. They are generally friendly, sensitive guys but evidently prefer overcoming such limitations, or ‘weaknesses,’ and vulnerability by getting drunk. At one point my neighbour described how his mate had had a go at some young man on a bike which did not sound like a very pleasant incident. His mate seemed to take the remembrance as a compliment and added proudly that he is a very hard man when drunk. Says it all really.

December. I don’t know. I am better acquainted with those guys now and they are generally friendly and caring and can even be quite sweet. Yet, they clearly prefer not to be in their hearts, not realising that delving more deeply into them would bring about a natural state of joy and peace. But, then, I can relate to them since I am usually distracted by something, giving more attention to my mind than my heart. St Germain has said that we give thought to the past and future as a way of evading the pain we feel from the loss of this inner happiness, the numbness that has resulted from forgetting who we really are.

“If you find a saint who has no sense of humour, then he is not a saint at all. Impossible. His very seriousness says that he has not achieved. Once you have some inner experiences of your own you become very playful, you become very innocent, childlike.” – Osho.

I recently watched John Carter (2012) whilst drinking a bottle of port (my favourite alcoholic drink!) with the alcoholic who lives round the corner. Haha. He has one of these massive 3D cinema screen televisions. At some point he complained that the sound was crackling and switched over to the amp. We played with the volume a bit, trying to find the right balance between being able to hear everything and not disturbing his neighbours, but generally it was louder than I would have liked to inflict on anybody. Hard to use the remote when you have company though. And headphones are not an option in that case of course. He explained that when you are drunk it becomes harder to hear the music or film unless the volume is turned right up! Plus, at the same time, you simply don’t care or think of considering anyone else in that state either. Anyway, he told me that some time ago a big, bald, muscular neighbour beat him up twice quite badly for playing music too loud. On the third occasion, he opened the door and tried to close it again upon seeing this guy but he jammed his foot in the doorway and forced it open. This time, however, the alcoholic decided he was not going to get beaten up again and piled into him in desperation. He continued punching the guy lest he get a chance to fight back. This guy then went to the police and, although he had himself beat the other guy up twice, a restraining order was placed on him meaning that he could not go back to his flat. He lost everything he owned and then after a year went to prison and did seven months. Naturally, he now regrets not having gone to the police himself after being beaten up!

"Look with compassion at the heavy drinkers. Know, that you too have your weaknesses. If you want to live in peace and clarity, then look at the poor and the handicapped carrying the burden of their misery, and see how fortunate you are!" - Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.

7 December. A few people have really hit me full on with all their negative projections up here this year. Interestingly, to top it all off, a Pakistani lady from the very town I lived in down south, on the London borders, attacked me on Ebay which I was relying on in a desperate struggle to somehow survive for a few months. I am walking a tightrope financially and have slipped and even fallen off at times. It has been quite scary as I’m sure I have mentioned. Six weeks after winning a pair of hiking boots I had listed she left negative feedback stating simply 'NOT RECEIVED' in capitals and opened a case. She claimed that she had sent me a message which is a blatant lie since she never wrote to me during that time. Coincidentally, she left this feedback and opened the case only two days after negative feedback, in which I was attacked by a young man, new to Ebay and abusing the system, was removed. And he also used capital letters and wrote in short violent phrases (he had thrown a tantrum four days after winning an item demanding to know why I had not informed him that there was a delay and I had in fact posted it that day. Then, in his feedback he claimed that he never received the item!). I believe that this person envied or disapproved of something in my listings (or some other projection) and looked at the previous negative feedback and decided to attack me similarly because she could and feels Ebay has given her that power to abuse freely. It was just senseless spite from someone who may feel somewhat alienated, being culturally backwards, and who is resentful of any reminders of this fact. ‘Absurdly unbelievable’ as it sounds to me (as I told Ebay customer service)!

I have definitely learned something from the experience and this is an issue that affects many people around the world. I can see that some people are tempted to check a seller's feedback and to either distrust them for the reason given or pick on them with unreasonable expectations and demands. And if the feedback was totally unjustified in the first place I'm not sure how such a seller is to continue enduring these kinds of assaults which amount to a form of persecution.

Someone, somewhere, was determined to sabotage my effort to get by using Ebay, or else somehow teach me a lesson, and whoever it was I am convinced that they were non-physical! Surely, rather than this incident reflecting something specific within myself, this is more like a little message from beings who have some import in the life crisis I’m still going through; a kind of blatant ‘we know you know’ message or something! As I write this, I am aware of how ridiculous such a statement may sound to many people. Yet, to me, even if this is simply an attack from unseen dark forces employing human weapons with whom they have become well acquainted while playing with my head, I sense that such activity is approved by beings of the Light who deem it to serve as an instructive, ‘karmic’ experience during this journey of initiation. There have been two occasions, online, where I have been kind of ruthless in a way towards young men behaving rudely or aggressively towards me, including once on Ebay in recent months so I believe it is possible that this episode relates to those incidents as though judgement had been passed on me for not displaying sufficient love. However, I have merely expressed my truth openly and honestly, as I see it. Perhaps not as wisely or lovingly as I ought to have but still in the way that felt most valuable and effective at the time. Well, you know, it has been conveyed from the higher realms that nothing less than loving behaviour will be tolerated, at least from those intending to return to the higher realms now. And as I start to awaken from this nightmare I find myself protesting angrily and petitioning the universe, stating my disagreement with this whole paradigm of human experience, everything to do with the karmic cycle. It all just simply disgusts me. You know, something is wrong somewhere if we have to stoop this low. We are of course endeavouring to work through unresolved issues collectively but I simply do not care at the moment! It all just sucks as far as I can see. What could possibly justify the experience of human suffering? Love. Love that, though necessity, must be expressed, shared, given. Love that, consequently, interferes and creates one mess after another that it then enjoys cleaning up! The cycle in which we are living appears to be an experimental clean-up job that failed and required a phone call to the Wolf, the underworld cleaner in Tarrantno’s 1994 film Pulp Fiction. “I’m Winston Wolfe. I solve problems.”

Well, I’m not in a good mood, as you can see. Life just seems to be an endless wall of problems. I also wrote this today: I don’t think anyone can stop my life being so shit! It continues to resemble a train that has been derailed and is whizzing down a hill into oblivion yet, somehow, always seems to avoid crashing into something and actually come to a standstill. Just ongoing torture. Why move to a freezing cold part of the country with no money? Stupidity? Guidance? Lack of choice. All of the above. I regret moving here just as I regretted moving to London years ago but then I regret living in this country and perhaps this entire planet.

It’s funny. It’s like there’s this bright, untarnished little chick inside me trying to break out and see the world in a positive light but everything is just so baaaaaad!

Some advice did come my way from St Germain last month during an Awakening From Within teleconference (channelled through Ashamarae McNamara). He explained that we ought to look for the divine in others rather than speaking to their personalities. He said that the masters recognised each who crossed their path as a gift from God, an opportunity to be of service to others. He also stated that we are not meant to struggle, that this is not our nature and that struggling comes from resistance to true love in our daily choices. We must live in the Now, without struggle, just living as love. The art of loving demands that we choose kindness and love, he said. And the result is joy and bliss that cannot be measured. He suggested that we say, ‘Love through me God. Help me make this moment a gift of love. Help me not see how they are acting but how I am acting.’ Expressing love causes love to come out of others, he claimed. Attachment to people, things and ideas is another issue that he mentioned since this binds us to a personality and prevents us from knowing divine love, which cares for all equally. Life is about helping us to remember who we are. Everything we do and all the people in our lives are for that sole purpose. We are here to remind each other who we are. It is our duty to see the best in others, he added, to see the beauty in each. It is not for us to judge. To love is the easiest and simplest, most natural way of being, he said, because our true nature is love. He also emphasised the need for community, to give priority to our spirit, to support each other and see the magic of life. Well, that is how they talk up there on the top of the mountain!

“The Fool suggests madness, detachment and laughter. When in any of these three states we are closer to God than when we are in a state of reason…The value of laughter is second only to the value of love. According to the wisdom of the Tarot: ‘A sense of humour is a sense of true values, which would suggest that more justice would be administered by a court of parliament that opened with a session of laughter rather than a session of prayers. The Lord loves a flow. Loving and laughing are flowing. (Outpouring of feeling).” - Richard Gardner (Evolution Through the Tarot, Samuel Weiser Inc., U.S., New York, 1962 and 1970, p.86-87).


8 December. (In a much better mood!). Well, you know, there are lots of cool little things in my life which I appreciate and I do have days and moments of truly enjoying my life in contrast to the quality of life experienced in the ‘ghetto’ I left a year ago. It is when I give my attention to the terrible aspects of my life which loom over my head like big, heavy clouds that I feel negative and depressed. And it is difficult to avoid them; they are always there. Like, I am barely surviving, living on next to nothing, which has also meant that I have not had much time for my work during the past few months (and it is now years since I worked on my ‘real’ books, the one’s I was writing before I chose to create Monstaville). And it’s freezing cold! Poverty is like a death threat. It just destroys everything. I figure it is being imposed on me, really, as a spiritual discipline, perhaps by my own higher self. And, perhaps it is the only way for me to find my way back home spiritually, but I reject it wholly as it has had such a damaging effect on everything I have tried to achieve creatively and basically acted as a kind of prison. I love my dead dreams! And it now feels as though not just my songs but my books too are all laid out in their coffins awaiting their fate. In fact, I am now trying to bring my songs back to life but the bond with the old (younger) me who wrote them has been severed.

10 December. I visited a friend and learned more about his crazy neighbour situation. We watched a video and he got up after about ten minutes to turn the volume down from quiet to almost inaudible. He explained that, even though the teenage boys next door were much louder than the television set, even through the wall, if ever the mother can hear his television she comes round and tells him to turn it down. On the first occasion, however, she sent the boys round themselves. They are about 15 years old I believe he said. They were rude and aggressive but went quiet when he pumped his chest up in response. Their mother then went round herself to complain. The poor fellow is sandwiched between these neighbours and a family who talk very loudly, go to bed late and keep him awake at night. Then, early each morning, like six or something, the mother on the other side wakes him up with her hoovering! The owner of the house he rents died and his son has been a menace. He needed a shoulder to cry on after his relationship ended but it turns out that he is something of an emotional bully, a thug who is also a demanding baby who becomes dependent on a person for emotional support and harasses them constantly, with no intention of facing themselves. This person simply projects his emotions onto others rather than feel them fully and release them. He turned violent after my friend said he had had enough and there have been sinister threats. So he now avoids the guy and possibly set his boundaries way too late but psychos like this man are cleverly manipulative as we know.

"Do you want a sign that you’re asleep? Here it is: you’re suffering. Suffering is a sign that you’re out of touch with the truth. Suffering is given to you that you might open your eyes to the truth, that you might understand that there’s falsehood somewhere, just as physical pain is given to you so you will understand that there is disease or illness somewhere. Suffering occurs when you clash with reality. When your illusions clash with reality, when your falsehoods clash with truth, then you have suffering. Otherwise there is no suffering." - Anthony De Mello.

28 December 2012. I have been mulling a few things over during the Christmas period. I have been a little hard with hostile young men and admit that I do tend to be intolerant towards aggressive men. It is true that I have a ruthless streak but it’s not as if I actually express it, or feel able to. As I explained at the beginning of these books, in the first chapters, I would happily exterminate insensitive men who insist on behaving like animals. That seems to be the only simple, effective solution! The fact that it is not allowed makes life very complicated and these books are testimony to how impossible it is to deal conclusively with such people. Temporary measures may be taken using the mind’s resources, but the truth remains that the only permanent remedy is to live from the heart.

St. Germain has recently stated that the Masters who have lived on Earth endeavoured to help people because they know that we are all family. We are all one. He said that Light workers are quick to judge and quick to move on as if nothing has happened! How very true! So true that I laugh whenever I think of this statement. Indeed, I have addressed this issue in my own way and concluded that this is wise behaviour from an old soul and even recommended it, I recall. Alas, St. Germain’s suggestion is that the damage has been done. The illusion of separation is sustained because the judgement has already taken place no matter how quickly one recognises it and moves on. We remain deluded as long as we buy into the ‘delusion of separation’ as he calls it.

Anyway, I was pondering the notion that something that happened to me not long ago was not instant karma but a corrective slap from beings in the higher realms warning me that anything less than loving behaviour towards all people with whom I have contact will be tolerated as I begin to awaken. This reinforced my inability to perceive that we create specific incidents in our lives through our thoughts and the power of attraction. I basically did not accept that anyone might be trying to teach me a lesson in this manner. I still don’t actually! It is in spite of my resistance mentally that I got the message and resolved to adopt this stance of being love in relation to all which is arguably the most important truth in regard to spiritual awakening for human beings.

So, I was feeling very annoyed, stubborn and rebellious, declaring mentally that I simply did not care if this is all an initiation or if we starseeds are here to somehow demonstrate that it is possible to express love in a world of hellish insanity. We are here to be in the same boat as other people yet awaken back to our true loving natures and show the way, to lead through example. We have established and worked through our own karmic cycles and patterns of confusion and neurosis (psychosis in some cases even!). We have entered the swamp of darkness and wherever we are at during the present era, it is time to pull ourselves out of it, to seek assistance and to give as much attention to our Spirit as possible in order to free ourselves from the clutches of low density.

I was contemplating how I favour Apollonius’ laughter to Jeshua’s physical sacrifice and how St. Germain has recommended that we do not concern ourselves with the physical body, with feeding and protecting it, but to go out and express our truth and love in the world regardless, without fear. I was saying that the experiment on this planet cannot be declared a success because the very existence of suffering, even if it is experience as opposed to reality, cannot be justified. In other words, if there is suffering, there is something very wrong and the whole paradigm of experience that results in suffering ought simply to be scrapped. Anyway, what do I know? St. Germain, incidentally, refers to the Creator as the Great Alchemist and ‘Jesus the Christ’ as “one of the greatest alchemists of all time.” (Recorded by Mark L. Prophet and Elizabeth Clare Prophet, Saint Germain on Alchemy. Formulas for Self-transformation, Summit Publications, Inc., MT., U.S., 1985 and 1993, p.83).

St. Germain announced that we have a duty to show only love to others. I have to admit that the word almost makes me puke! Any hint at moral obligation and I’m out the door! It smacks of patriarchal religion which I have long since rejected completely. For me, the expression of love cannot be a moral issue but then I shun the idea of responsibility while I am enduring such challenging conditions in my life. St. Germain said he knows we are stretched beyond what we can bear but, even so, we must be true to ourselves spiritually and express the love that we Are. This is the most important aspect of spiritual growth, of the Ascension process. Expressing love to others is a way to allow our true selves to shine forth, to remember and be who we really are in eternity amidst the illusion of physical density and separation in this world.

“It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” - Margaret Mead.

I still feel that St. Germain’s words convey the insights of a Ferrari in relation to a rusty old banger that is ready for the scrapheap! Nevertheless, he has informed us that we do not have much time which perhaps means that we must seize the opportunity to use the higher frequencies which flood back to the planet every 26,000 years to Ascend back to Light. Or we might be lost for another cycle? I can see that by trying to assist me he also feels that he is informing and inspiring others similarly.

However, I am glad to report that I finally got it! Although I suspect that the Mother Goddess had something to do with my realisation that, yes, we are all family and it makes perfect sense to express the truth of who we REALLY Are as spiritual beings, to love everybody no matter how ignorant they may be because reacting to them just keeps us in a deluded state. Asleep. Ironically, though, I now have less money to live on than at any time in my life; barely enough to survive. As a result, I have felt the need to close all windows to life that may cost money beyond the bare necessities and this includes travelling and therefore interacting with the world and giving energy to my social life.

"Laughter is one of the things most repressed by society all over the world, in all the ages. Society wants you to be serious. Parents want their children to be serious, teachers want their students to be serious, the bosses want their servants to be serious, the commanders want their armies to be serious. Seriousness is required of everybody. Laughter is dangerous and rebellious.
When the teacher is teaching you and you start laughing, it will be taken as an insult. Your parents are saying something to you and you start laughing - it will be taken as an insult. Seriousness is thought to be honour, respect. Naturally laughter has been repressed so much that even though life all around is hilarious, nobody is laughing. If your laughter is freed from its chains, from its bondage, you will be surprised - on each step there is something hilarious happening.
Life is not serious. Only graveyards are serious, death is serious. Life is love, life is laughter, life is dance, song. But we will have to give life a new orientation. The past has crippled life very badly, it has made you almost laughter blind, just like there are people who are colourblind."
- Osho.


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